I’m tired and I miss outside and I miss my friends and I miss hugging and I miss NYC and I miss my original dreams and trajectory but I’ll just have to keep missing those things because I’m doing my part so we all don’t get sick and die and I miss not having to say that.

Cooking for people. I really fucking miss cooking and making drinks and elaborate theme meals for my people.

and I miss texting my friends after being stuck inside in work jail for a month like “what are you doing, I need a drink” and meeting somewhere at a dark bar for “one drink” that is really “10 drinks” and texting another friend at “3 drinks” like “you need to be here.”

Oh fuck I miss thrift stores. FUCK.

I miss spending a long time at the supermarket.
Deciding a whole meal and then totally changing my mind and having to go back and switch a bunch of items. I miss that ability to be casual and thoughtful and improvisational without anxiety.

I even miss the stupid Planet Fitness on Fulton, cause it was always a great excuse to be like “I mean there IS a RAINBOW right there I mean...lemme just go see for fun if...” and then stuffing RAINBOW bags in my backpack cause fuck you I don’t buy anything from there shut up

and I miss doing shows at Union Hall...and The Bell House....and going to my friends shows.
Ugh. Doing a Union Hall Church
I miss green room food, lol. I miss after show hangs. I miss rearranging the letters backstage. I miss drink tickets. I miss going out to smoke.

I miss cold green room pizza. I miss Littlefield tacos.

I miss hearing everyone’s new fucking material
I miss making people laugh in REAL TIME in the SAME ROOM oh fuuuuuuck that.
That.
That feeling.

...and cry. I miss making people laugh and cry. And feel. And think. All together. At once. In a room. All of us.

I miss that.

and I miss knowing how to write things for the future. Where they’re going to be shot. Why that’s important. How that can happen. Why it needs to happen there.
That’s hard. It’s really hard now. To be in the realm of fantasy, but to also have to ground it in the realism of now.

and I totally miss the wonderful feeling of people cancelling plans.
Oh man. What I wouldn’t give for some plans...so they could get cancelled.

Lastly, I miss planning the perfect “personal theme song to exit the house” and strutting to it down my NYC blocks. SO MUCH.
Planning scenes to music on walks.
...and... I think I miss the godamn subway. Whoah. Yeah. I do.

That’s not really “lastly.” It is for this thread and my current barrage of thoughts. I have to stop, otherwise I can’t focus on bEInG OpTiMiStiC
and pretending like I’m so excited for this wack ass alternate timeline.

I’m trying, y’all. I know you are too.