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the narrative that desisters were & #39;just questioning& #39; and then & #39;realised we were cis& #39; is honestly such bs. i started identifying as trans when i was 13 and reidentified when i was 20. being trans was a huge part of my life.
being cis never came into it. i spent so many years deciding if i was going to transition to male, or commit suicide. i hoped i& #39;d be reincarnated as a baby boy, and live the life i was supposed to have. i didn& #39;t question anything until i found out about detransition.
i dissociated in the shower. i had panic attacks at the sight of discharge in my underwear. i couldn& #39;t touch my genitals, for any reason, without experiencing intense nausea, until i was in my early 20s. i slept in bras because i couldn& #39;t handle the feeling of my breasts.
when i started reidentifying, i had the constant urge to self harm on the distinctly female parts of my body. it took me two full years /after finding radical feminism/ to start calling myself a woman again, and it was so hard. i didn& #39;t & #39;realise i was cis& #39;.
returning to identifying as a woman is one of the hardest things i& #39;ve ever done. it was the opposite of how identifying as a gender is supposed to feel. i& #39;ll never have the experience of a woman who never identified as trans. i still relate to trans afab people immensely.
i didn& #39;t have a fun little flirt with trans identity before returning to a comfortable cisgender existence. i wasn& #39;t questioning or curious. i knew what i was going to do and i was prepared to do it, because i thought i would die if i didn& #39;t.
the only difference between me and any afab nonbinary person with dysphoria is what we call ourselves and how we choose to manage those feelings.
