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The need for people to dismiss asexuality and aspec identities is continuously fueled by the idea that everyone should be sexually accessible. But people donât work that way. The option to say no to sex should exist for everyone, always, regardless of orientation, and when it 1/
doesnât, or when we are taught from a young age that we MUST be sexual beings, we do real and lasting harm to the people around us - not just asexuals and aspec people, but to everyone. We put ourselves in sexual situations just because itâs expected, not 2/
necessarily because we want to be there - and thatâs a gateway to trauma and very serious, lasting mental health issues. 3/
This isnât uncommon. The moment you come out as anything other than straight, EVERYONE wants to know your sexual history. But I think we need to start asking ourselves why we do this to each other. Why do people have to prove their sexualities to you? 4/
Itâs like the whole âgold star lesbianâ transphobic BS. Or like when I thought I was bi and people were like âso how many girls have you slept with?â and I got asked to help couples with their threesomes. And the thing is they never asked me if they could ask me personal sex 5/
questions. The assumption from people- queer and straight alike - was that by coming out I was offering some write up of my sexual experiences. I felt violated. 6/
I have written about discovering my sexuality and romantic orientation, but I did that on MY TERMS, choosing what to add and leave out. Thereâs a difference between offering that up and being messaged by people telling you youâre pretty and they want to âwatchâ. *shudder* 7/
That was based on them thinking that bi = sexually available. Now people get upset and possessive if I tell them Iâm demisexual because they immediately think it means Iâm sexually unavailable, as if they have any right to that part of my life. 8/
They donât. Just as people who harass you or get angry if you refuse to engage that way or delve into your history have any right to your body. This isnât just for aspecs; itâs for everyone. 9/
Someoneâs choice to be sexually available to others should never come before their personhood. When you say âaces just want the right to do nothingâ, you are ignoring our struggles. When you ask us to âproveâ our sexuality to you, you are demeaning us. 10/
Advocating for asexuality & education about it & its inclusion in queer spaces isnât âhey I want the right to do nothingâ, itâs âhey heteronormative societal pressures on sex & romance are harmful to us, too. Weâre not straight, stop saying we are.â 11/
Itâs us saying âhey so youâre defining youâre attraction by who you are and arenât attracted to. We are doing this too, and weâd like to stop being pathologized and told we should chemically *fix* ourselves. We are here too.â 12/
Because if we were straight (cis, heterosexual & heteroromantic), and sexual & romantic attraction just came easily to us... we know thatâs not something we need to talk about. We know itâs invisible to so many people, but we are here, visible, and asking to be seen. 13/
Weâre not fighting for the âright to do nothingâ. Weâre fighting against the idea that we should be sexually available, that weâre choosing to put a name to not being able to get laid or abstinence, that our attraction or lack thereof means we canât have sex & love lives. 14/
Weâre fighting against the idea that we should all have to be sexually & romantically available, because we shouldnât, and we arenât, and the assumption that itâs an insult to others or something wrong with us if we donât want to be is actively harmful. 15/
And this doesnât just apply to aspecs. This is about everyone queer. Someone coming out isnât an invitation to their history unless they choose to tell you, and it is not about you. 16/
And also, aspec can have sex lives and happy relationships. Why is it on you to fix that? No one asked you to swoop in and rescue us. No one asked you to dissect our lives. Weâre just livin. We donât need your permission to tell us how.
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All this to say that the idea that everyone should be sexually & romantically available or something is wrong with that person is false, and harmful, and hurts a lot of people. People donât exist for your consumption. Get over it. 18/18
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