The need for people to dismiss asexuality and aspec identities is continuously fueled by the idea that everyone should be sexually accessible. But people don’t work that way. The option to say no to sex should exist for everyone, always, regardless of orientation, and when it 1/

doesn’t, or when we are taught from a young age that we MUST be sexual beings, we do real and lasting harm to the people around us - not just asexuals and aspec people, but to everyone. We put ourselves in sexual situations just because it’s expected, not 2/

necessarily because we want to be there - and that’s a gateway to trauma and very serious, lasting mental health issues. 3/

This isn’t uncommon. The moment you come out as anything other than straight, EVERYONE wants to know your sexual history. But I think we need to start asking ourselves why we do this to each other. Why do people have to prove their sexualities to you? 4/

It’s like the whole “gold star lesbian” transphobic BS. Or like when I thought I was bi and people were like “so how many girls have you slept with?” and I got asked to help couples with their threesomes. And the thing is they never asked me if they could ask me personal sex 5/

questions. The assumption from people- queer and straight alike - was that by coming out I was offering some write up of my sexual experiences. I felt violated. 6/

I have written about discovering my sexuality and romantic orientation, but I did that on MY TERMS, choosing what to add and leave out. There’s a difference between offering that up and being messaged by people telling you you’re pretty and they want to “watch”. *shudder* 7/

That was based on them thinking that bi = sexually available. Now people get upset and possessive if I tell them I’m demisexual because they immediately think it means I’m sexually unavailable, as if they have any right to that part of my life. 8/

They don’t. Just as people who harass you or get angry if you refuse to engage that way or delve into your history have any right to your body. This isn’t just for aspecs; it’s for everyone. 9/

Someone’s choice to be sexually available to others should never come before their personhood. When you say “aces just want the right to do nothing”, you are ignoring our struggles. When you ask us to “prove” our sexuality to you, you are demeaning us. 10/

Advocating for asexuality & education about it & its inclusion in queer spaces isn’t “hey I want the right to do nothing”, it’s “hey heteronormative societal pressures on sex & romance are harmful to us, too. We’re not straight, stop saying we are.” 11/

It’s us saying “hey so you’re defining you’re attraction by who you are and aren’t attracted to. We are doing this too, and we’d like to stop being pathologized and told we should chemically *fix* ourselves. We are here too.” 12/

Because if we were straight (cis, heterosexual & heteroromantic), and sexual & romantic attraction just came easily to us... we know that’s not something we need to talk about. We know it’s invisible to so many people, but we are here, visible, and asking to be seen. 13/

We’re not fighting for the “right to do nothing”. We’re fighting against the idea that we should be sexually available, that we’re choosing to put a name to not being able to get laid or abstinence, that our attraction or lack thereof means we can’t have sex & love lives. 14/

We’re fighting against the idea that we should all have to be sexually & romantically available, because we shouldn’t, and we aren’t, and the assumption that it’s an insult to others or something wrong with us if we don’t want to be is actively harmful. 15/

And this doesn’t just apply to aspecs. This is about everyone queer. Someone coming out isn’t an invitation to their history unless they choose to tell you, and it is not about you. 16/

And also, aspec can have sex lives and happy relationships. Why is it on you to fix that? No one asked you to swoop in and rescue us. No one asked you to dissect our lives. We’re just livin. We don’t need your permission to tell us how.
17/

All this to say that the idea that everyone should be sexually & romantically available or something is wrong with that person is false, and harmful, and hurts a lot of people. People don’t exist for your consumption. Get over it. 18/18

(If you like this please consider supporting me on Patreon ok bye http://Patreon.com/secretladyspider)