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okay but you know how we (well, a really good psychologist) debunked laziness? Can we debunk lateness? Do people really think other people are late bc of some agenda or callousness? Maybe someone might be playing some gaslighting mind game but 99% of the time...no.
People do not in fact want to be late for a fun activity or important appointment or to hang out with you. When someone arrives 10 or 40 minutes or 2 hours late to something looking flustered, they& #39;re not trying to mess with you and they don& #39;t think your time is worthless
Especially neurodiverse people. We *do* value other people& #39;s time. Really. I still remember instances where I was late from years ago. Esp. if I was teased or punished for it. Please trust that if someone is late, whether they& #39;re visibly upset or visibly calm...
That we already feel very bad about it. Making us feel worse is unnecessary, I promise you. It really won& #39;t help, and will probably make things worse, because it adds more negative association to the concept of trying to be on time/manage time
Low executive function is not something I can fix about myself. I can manage it, with great conscious effort. If I& #39;m on time or early for something, it& #39;s because I probably put at least half or a full day of active planning and effort towards it or had a scaffold already in place
I don& #39;t want like, a medal for managing to do that. I know that NT people can somehow just do it. But that ten minutes early cost us hours. Time management on a ND brain is like space walking. I need to suit up and carefully plan. I need handholds and spare oxygen. It& #39;s big.
And one little thing might still go wrong- a screw out of place, for example- and then you& #39;re freefloating in space and you& #39;re an hour late. It& #39;s scary and horrible and you feel like you can& #39;t control your life or surroundings.
That actually ties into the "visibly calm" thing I mentioned. We are not acting like that to be smug about having wasted your time. Usually it& #39;s because 1) acting positive, generally, can often get you a positive response & we would love to avoid further punishment
2) we are exhausted and shutting down. Trying to be on time cost us hours of energy and planning and then messing it up and being late pumped us full of fear and adrenaline and now we are crashing. Or we& #39;re overwhelmed by it all and flattening as a result.
I know it is genuinely frustrating to be on the other side of this. I get frustrated in the same position too. I know that most of my loved ones who don& #39;t struggle with time do actually understand all this on some level. I wrote all this out to try and explain better + remind you
We can& #39;t help it (not in the way you imagine, at least) We do value your time. We are not being late on purpose. We are sorry, truly, we are so sorry and we think about it and try to fix it all the time.
I thought about what I would do to never be late again writing this out & it came to me easily- I& #39;d cut off half the toes on my right foot. Without anaesthetic? Sure, if it means never inconveniencing you again! that& #39;s uh pretty ducking chilling that I& #39;ve made that calculation!
Okay, so now you& #39;re thinking "oh jeez my bestie doesn& #39;t hate me they just probably got some brain shit... What can I do? I don& #39;t wanna have my needs to have a timely friend ignored either." And you don& #39;t, hopefully! I& #39;m not an expert but
The best thing you can do is be calm and supportive. Don& #39;t make jokes or sulk (it& #39;s okay to be mad, but please try to express it assertively and lovingly). Directly and gently remind your friend that they& #39;re late, check in, ask them if you can help.
Your mileage may vary! I& #39;m not an expert & I might not have the same brain as you or your friend. But I& #39;ve mostly ditched my friends who used to tease me about my time management stuff and make it a joke. now I have friends who support and encourage me & gently check in.
And The Result Might Shock You... I& #39;m late way less for these friends. Increasingly these days I& #39;m even on time! Because I don& #39;t have fear gunking up all the complicated extra mechanisms I already put in place to function in the world. When I hang out with certain old friends...
....I& #39;m often late for those people specifically, & I freak out & thinking I& #39;m backsliding till I remember a very basic psychological principle- negative conditioning doesn& #39;t usually work. It& #39;s why fat-shaming is mainly effective in making people gain weight