A funny story.
Myself and Mrs. Sting once went on holiday to Majorca and a friend of ours, who lived there, said 'You should go to Majorca Zoo it's great. But take some broken biscuits, the monkeys love 'em.'
So broken biscuits in hand we went to the zoo. It's a funny old

place Majorca zoo. You're dropped off in a car park and because the main body of the zoo is so far away you're invited to get on a couple of carriages, that hold about 20 people each, which is pulled along by a tractor. So we hop on and with a jolt and a slight scream

we set off at about 5mph.
From the back of the carriage we could see absolutely nothing, not that the view was bad, it was just that there was nothing in it. Then a smell hit the air like a shit sandwich. People were looking at each other to see who was the most offensive looking

person and therefore most likely to foul the air with such filth as to make you think of that child who hid in a pile of human faeces in Schindler's List and think he was a lucky little bastard. Then everyone saw the hippo and realised their mistake, much to the relief of the

man who'd had 3 too many San Miguels the night before and had just learnt why people say never trust a fart.
After we'd passed the smelliest hippo known to man we saw our first monkey. It was a single Hamadryas baboon yawning on a rock and looking like this

I quickly nudged Mrs. Sting and said 'There's a monkey! Where's the broken biscuits?'
She handed me the buscuits and I opened them grabbed a couple and threw them. The monkey at first looked shocked that I'd done this. It had clearly never seen someone throw a biscuit

before, so I grabbed another handful and threw some more. The baboon made a howling noise and started to run towards the carriage, it was joined by about 50 more equally muscular anthropoids that were somehow earlier hidden over the ridge. They were all now running

full pelt at the carriage and screaming. This was when I realised there wasn't a fence between us and the baboons with six inch teeth and bigger muscles than Stallone. A woman screamed as she saw the stampede of angry looking baboons chasing us. This caught the

attention of the driver who screamed something at me and then pointed to the biscuits. He put his foot down and with a slight jolt we started going a speedy 15mph. As well as screaming at me in Spanish to which I was screaming back, 'No comprende', like Manuel from Fawlty Towers

he was screaming into his radio. I don't know much Spanish but I think he was saying 'There's a fucking prick on my carriage throwing fucking broken fucking biscuits to the fucking baboons and now we're all gonna be fucking ripped to fucking pieces.' Or something like that.

Now baboons can run at about 25mph and they were currently proving this by gaining on us and they were focused on me and the biscuits. Everybody was screaming and holding their children close to them. Now, I've seen what baboons do when they attack each other, they go

for the balls, they just rip the balls right off each other so in the name of personal safety I threw the biscuits into Mrs. Sting's hands and said, 'Get rid of them!'
'Where!?' She said, taking absolutely no responsibility for our current predicament.
'Throw them overboard!'

There was no way the baboons were not going to catch us and rip not just us apart but all the other passengers limb from limb. One of the baboons was so close I could see he had an erection, which to this day I find very odd.
The driver was still screaming 'Buscuits!' into

the radio. Mrs. Sting was still holding the biscuits as if to say, if I throw them out it's a waste of money. The baboons looked like the stampede from Jurassic Park as they were now just feet away from the slow carriage. And then a crack sound broke through the screams.

The baboons all stopped running and instantly sat down, then another crack sound was heard and they just stared. I followed their gaze and men had ran out of the zoo with shotguns and were firing them into the air. They fired again, somebody screamed and the baboons

dispersed and casually walked away.
Everyone on the carriage stared at us with cold dead eyes. I pointed at the biscuits and then at Mrs. Sting and slowly shook my head using the international facial expression for 'idiot.'
We pulled into the zoo and stopped. Everybody looked

traumatised, apart from the man who'd previously shit himself, he looked quite pleased, I guess now he had a legitimate excuse for smelling the way he did.
Inside the zoo were monkeys in cages, we later found out these were the ones we were actually supposed to feed the

biscuits to. Our time at the zoo was uncomfortable to say the least. The only other highlight was an ape who'd start masterbating everytime he saw Mrs. Sting and then throw his semen at her like multiple Miggs in Silence of the Lambs.

We thought this was a very odd way of saying please come again.