Thread about how MT brothers and sisters should interact with one another and red flags to look out for. Resharing this after some encouragement about its insight, alhamdulillah. /1

One of my teachers said that attractiveness is not a bad thing. In fact, Islam calls us to be attractive creatures by virtue of us being beautiful. But we cloak our beauty, and attractiveness with the garb of modesty. /2

What this means is that we need to know when to cloak and uncloak ourselves. We cloak ourselves in front of non mahrams, and we uncloak ourselves in front of our spouse. The same principle applies whether we are in person or engaging online. /3

The key difference online though is that by nature, it is more impersonal. Characteristics and attributes are harder to discern. Tone is harder to discern. Personality is harder to discern. As such, interactions that wouldn't fly in person, might be more acceptable online. /4

In the context of online public interactions, I see no issue with brothers and sisters contributing to jokes as long as it is targeted towards something bigger, and not constantly directed towards someone specific of the opposite gender. The latter indicates flirtation. /5

In private, messages between brothers and sisters shouldn't be casually sent, should not be sent consistently as if they are best friends. When they're sent, they should be purposeful, respectful, focused on the issues. I don't think occasional humour is an issue if it is used /6

to diffuse the seriousness, and absolute staleness of a situation. We are humans, not robots, so it is natural that we impart a bit of life into the subjects we discuss. But the conversation at large shouldn't exceed the bounds of the purpose of the conversation /7

Now, when there is an intent to seek marriage, my teacher says that its acceptable to unveil a bit more of the attributes of attractiveness such that the potential prospects have a basis to be interested. /8

So being a bit more lively, whether in person, or real life is okay. It should never be obscene, indecent or inappropriate. Once these attributes and characteristics are sufficiently known, or there is an engagement, both parties should tone it down until they're married /9

In the marriage seeking process, parties should be candid and cordial. If one party keeps beating around the bush, doesn't show specific interest, avoids being purposeful but constantly flirts, this is someone who should be avoided. They don't have your best interests in mind /10

The actual marriage seeking process should also not begin with a proposal (usually). There's so many unknowns involved in the process, so the question should be posed as an exploration of compatibility. Thus, its not so forced that one party feels like they have to make a /11

commitment off the get go. When a man seeks to approach a woman, I see two approaches here. 1. Ask them if they would be comfortable to talk about the subject and the appropriate channel to use - i.e. through their wali, a group chat, etc. 2. Ask them through a 3rd party /12

A commitment should be made from both ends on being specific, clear and transparent. Ambiguity should (generally) not cut it. For example, if a person expects a relationship without a clear cut timeline to get married or if the girl isn't telling her wali/family /13

If this commitment to honesty and transparency is not there, this is a clear red flag regarding the prospect - its very likely that they are just playing you or don't care about their deen. This should be a ground rule that's set from the beginning lest you be led on. /14

As for the conversation, I've seen long lists passed around on MT, which are cool because they cover a broad range of topics, but an exhaustive list isn't necessarily a good thing either. Rather, its more important to ask questions that draw out a person's true self /15

How do they act, what do they really think? What is their insight like? How much effort have they put into thinking about issues that matter to me? Given the huge diversity in paradigms/opinions, understanding how a person really is is important when entering a relationship. /16

And using a long list can mask this, especially because its inorganic and procedural. As one of my friends once said: One can hide behind the procedure and perhaps brand themselves inaccurately, even if it isn’t on purpose /17

A useful tip: you can generally tell how serious someone is based on how introspective they are. The more introspective and thoughtful someone is, the more likely they genuinely care and want to do things right. If someone is consistently introspective, this is a good sign /18

Anyways, some red flags:
- No clear timeline.
- No transparency in their thoughts on issues.
- Overly flirtatious and doesn't focus on purpose of conversation.
- Unwilling to provide access to a network for accountability purposes. /19

I'll add: If the prospect is uncertain about who they are and what they believe in- In the case of the guy - if he doesn't know how to lead a relationship, be a qawwam, and make his womenfolk feel comfortable, safe and secure /20

And then there are the obvious things - they are condescending, rude, clearly malicious, have a superiority complex, arrogance, etc. /21

Some of these things don't come out obviously though, so you gotta ask them meaningful questions to draw out these traits: ex. "How would you deal with your future spouse when they are angry? How about when you are angry?" A detailed response shows they were thoughtful! /22

Something else important is to discuss upbringing and childhood traumas that may be still be present. A lot of how we perceive our romantic relationships are actually impacted by our relationship with our parents. Those who have a damaged relationship with their parents ... /23

Often seek to compensate in unhealthy ways inside their relationship, or gravitate towards unhealthy relationship dynamics and thought patterns.

This is really beyond the scope of this thread, and its difficult to pick up for the untrained eye, but ... /24

premarital counseling would be a very useful and important step to uncover these wounds and make an informed decision before entering a relationship.

The book, The Art of Loving by Dr. Erich Fromm, also covers how to love in a healthy manner and what type of patterns ... /25

to look out for. I would recommend everyone be cognizant of their own traumas and take steps towards healing from them. Therapy isn't the absolute answer, but working with a guide can be an excellent starting point. /26

Anyways, if a potential prospect has serious trauma, they might not be fit for a relationship, and while we pray that they heal, it would be unwise for one to take such a burden, especially if they don't have the tools to handle it. This is why this is a super crucial check. /27

Note, you will be able to somewhat detect effect of trauma from general dishonesty, or inconsistency of behaviour and values. This is why I have emphasized so much on checking values and introspective ability. /28