Oh, do I have a story to tell you all tonight.

Ready? Buckle up.

Today I put together the most poorly designed item I have ever encountered.

No, it's not from Ikea.

But more on that in a minute.

My kid had been asking me to put this item together since before we went into lockdown, 126 days ago.

This morning, there was a big "you don't keep your promises" on this item moment, and I was like fine, today's the day.

3 p.m. rolls around and I'm beat from working all day, and the kid says, MOM! ITEM!

And I'm like, oh shit, right.

And I go out to the garage, where said item is in a massive box.

I open the box, and in my usual fashion, dive right in.

Part of the item involves a three part pole. I put the three parts together.

There is a step in the directions that says this:

And I'm like, cool, I know what I'm doing, "I'm gonna bang this pole on a block of wood like the instructions say. I TOTALLY know what I'm doing."

I bang the pole. I insert some screws. I turn the pole upside down.

Kid, observant little person, says, "MOM. It sounds like there's something moving inside that pole."

I'm like, kid, I've got this.

Moving on to the next step of the instructions on the item, there is mention of two brackets.

Wait, wut?

I look at the pole. I tilt the pole upside down.

The brackets are in the pole.

I look at the part of the pole that was all "this step cannot be reversed."

I'm like, ok, the directions may say that, but they don't KNOW ME.

I unscrew the screws. I grab one end of the pole. I yank the parts of the pole apart until . . .

I GET THE BRACKETS. A thin bag of plastic falls out, brackets inside.

I put the pole back together, I screw the screws back in, and I AM GOLDEN.

Notably, I have only said a few swear words out loud by now and had to apologize to the kid.

I install the brackets into the item, which takes three types of tools and some more swear words, and get the pole in place.

When I stand the pole up, kid, whiz that he is says to me, "MOM! There's still something moving around in that pole!"

I say, "honey, there can't be. It's gotta just be part of the design."

I proceed to the next step.

The next step requires, wait for it,

WATER.

Which out in the garage, comes from THIS little item.

I proceed to fill the part of the item that requires it with water.

My kid is in the way of everything, and by now we're like two hours in, and I'm totally calm and cool and collected, I swear.

I go to turn off the water. I turn the top of the faucet.

Reminder, it looks like this:

And I can't remember which way to turn it off, because it seems to be willing to move both ways, and the hose is still attached, and the next thing you know:

The top of the faucet explodes off, water is shooting to the roof of the garage and all over everything to about twelve feet away, I am SOAKED to the skin, my kid runs inside terrified, and I'm like

I run out to the curb to look for the water main. It won't turn off, but the meter is running like this.

I go back into the garage, and look around, water still spewing everywhere at an alarming rate.

Meanwhile, my new neighbor rides right by on his bike with his three kids and doesn't stop.

Dunno, maybe the screaming obscenities scared him off.

About five minutes go by. I'm on the phone to the water district. Kid keeps coming and going out of the house, periodically saying, "I'm scared."

I'm shouting into the phone.

And then I notice this lever.

Hmm. What does this do? I turn it.

SUCCESS! WATER OFF!

Except now I'm in a house with two little kids as a single mom with no water.

I'm on hold with the water department. Still no live person to speak to.

I'm like, OK THINK.

The top of the faucet has to be around here somewhere. Where could it have gone?

I look and I look and I look and THERE IT IS, 20 feet away in the FUCKING DRIVEWAY.

Meanwhile, this is the actual floor of my garage.

AN INCH OF STANDING WATER.

Fortunately, I have this blower for the kids' bouncy house. I turn it on.

I retrieve the top of the faucet. I screw it back in.

Other kid comes out and says "MOM! I can't flush the toilet!"

AWESOME.

So the faucet top is screwed back on, and I'm STILL on hold with the water department, and I'm like, DO I TRY IT?

I throw the lever, and SUCCESS!

So now I have a flooded garage, but I've fixed the faucet, gotten the water back on, and

OH YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT

I have to finish putting together the ITEM.

SO. Back to the item.

Water is included. Stopper is in.

I am looking at the third and final major part of the installation.

I look at the instructions.

I look at the box.

There's another set of brackets.

THAT ARE INSIDE THE FUCKING POLE.

I take the first set of brackets off.

I take apart the "you can't ever take this pole apart after banging it" FOR THE SECOND TIME, because YOU, manufacturer of this incredibly poorly designed item, HAVE NOT MET ME, MOTHERFUCKERS.

And inside the pole are the brackets, which conveniently have a bent end that makes it REALLY REALLY HARD to get them out, and yet, have I mentioned, YOU HAVEN'T MET ME.

I put the pole back together for the THIRD time in the flooded garage.

By now, I have given up forever on keeping the precious ears of my children free from obscenities.

Basic image of me at this moment:

I put on the first set of brackets. I put on the second set of brackets.

And then it turns out that the final stage of installation of the item requires holding three heavy, unattached items overhead while screwing in two FUCKING BOLTS.

I get both kids outside. I am shouting DON'T MOVE.

The heavy objects get dropped and come apart three times while one kid is on tiptoes, the other kid is standing on the item itself, and I am trying to use two wrenches at once on the bolts and their screws.

Finally, at long last, THREE FUCKING HOURS LATER, I manage to get the last bolt in.

Side note: I am soaked. My kids are in their underpants. The neighbors are staring.

I have only just stopped swearing and screaming.

The item, at long last, is complete.

At this moment, I would like to thank @lifetime products for the most hellish installation experience of my life, and the most poorly designed product ever invented.

READY?

Here is the item in question.

Nobody better ever claim I'm not super mom EVER AGAIN.

And now, I've got some drinking to do.

THE END.