I get a lot of dick pics in my messages and while I don't think they are bad *as a whole*, I think there's room for improvement. I'm doing this in clothes, add or remove yours as you see fit. Behold, my cucumber!

We all know this is the gold standard for cuke pics and there's a lot to like! Try to find good lighting (sun is usually best), minimize your weird feet, make your bed, and make sure your recipient wants to see this. 2/15

Unfortunately this happens a lot. I know! You're in a hurry! Slow the fuck down. It isn't about how fast you take the picture, it's about your results, and these results suck. Also, your feet are weird, don't think we don't notice. 3/15

Are you in your kid's room? What the fuck? Are you just super messy? Also it's blurry again, have you just never taken a picture before? You suck at this. 4/15

What am I supposed to learn from this pic other than you own a remote and you need to clean up your controllers? What a damn mess. 5/15

NO NO NO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK 6/15

I like bananas as much as the next lady but sir you need to get your piece off of the kitchen counter ffs. 7/15

Your lighting is shit but this is an improvement. Try a different spot with more sun? Maybe crop a little? Smile? At least I can see your body. 8/15

Is that...are you....is that your fucking dog?!? 9/15

Look. We are all middle aged, ok? That doesn't mean we can't be our best selves! Sit up, suck it in, and zoom out for the love of everything holy 10/15

Hey, this is better! I can see your body! You could maybe crop and get a better angle, but look at you! Using mirrors! Wow! 11/15

Is my cucumber in this pic? It sure is! Is it the first thing you see? It sure isn't! Also, did you know you can drop a filer on a pic easy peasy? Really makes those colors pop. Give it a shot! 12/15

Did you know phones have TIMERS?? 13/15

I like this. It's a nice alternative to the zoomed in cuke pic. Shows body but not face, shows cuke but doesn't dominate. Gives you a good idea what it would be like to climb on top of me. Crop your eyes you fucking psychopath 14/15

Ok I'm going to leave you here bc I'm hungry & need a snack. Zoom out! Use timers, crop, take tons of pics til you get a good one, learn about the rule of 3rds, find your best angles - EVERYONE has good angles! And most importantly, ask if they wanna see *before* you send. xoxo