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Yesterday was a bad day in a bad week, month, months. I broke. I finally gave in to what some part of me has known for weeks.
I need help.
I need help.
Depression, anxiety and ADHD have never been far away since junior high. Most of my life, they have been functional, but not always.
I have compensated by being too busy to notice. Hobbies, sports, clubs, gyms, shopping, cooking.
I have used them to be vigilant, empathetic.
I have compensated by being too busy to notice. Hobbies, sports, clubs, gyms, shopping, cooking.
I have used them to be vigilant, empathetic.
The pandemic has taken away all of my compensatory mechanisms.
I don’t feel like I can safely play hockey without putting myself and friends at risk. There are no sports to watch. There is no vacation to look forward to. Nothing to shop for. No dinner party to cook.
I don’t feel like I can safely play hockey without putting myself and friends at risk. There are no sports to watch. There is no vacation to look forward to. Nothing to shop for. No dinner party to cook.
I have tried to keep exercising everyday. But yesterday, while spinning at 0430, a cool down song came on. I didn’t know the song. It was slow and melodic. A little morose.
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore....” she say.
I collapsed. Sobbing. It all hit me.
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore....” she say.
I collapsed. Sobbing. It all hit me.
I finally admitted that I am not well. That everything hurts. That I have more anger than I have ever had. That there is no joy.
My husband, friends and partners rallied around me. I got prescriptions, a therapy appointment and a day off in a matter of 90 minutes.
My husband, friends and partners rallied around me. I got prescriptions, a therapy appointment and a day off in a matter of 90 minutes.
I already feel a little bit better, for two reasons.
1. People showed up for me when I needed them most.
2. I asked for help.
There is a strength in admitting when help is needed. There is relief in unburdening oneself even just a little bit.
1. People showed up for me when I needed them most.
2. I asked for help.
There is a strength in admitting when help is needed. There is relief in unburdening oneself even just a little bit.
I still woke up in the middle of the night. I still feel immense existential dread with every news story (looking at you Gov Kemp). I still feel like I’m walking through knee-deep water.
But it feels like the darkest days are in the rear view, or at least they will be soon.
But it feels like the darkest days are in the rear view, or at least they will be soon.
If anything I have said resonates, please ask for help. It’s the truest show of strength in the human existence.
Please ask for help.
Please ask for help.
