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WARNING: A thread about gaslighting, abuse, GBV and how fucked up this world is. My ex step-brothers reached out to me to see if I had photos of their dad who passed away 8 months before my mom did. Their dad wasnât a great guy and beat and raped my mom repeatedly for 11 years.
But I put the past behind me and promised I would find the photos for them because I hold the only photographic memories of their dad, and they deserve them. They also trying to heal from it all and are just as messed up.
This morning I found the box and went through the photos. They didnât have any because my mom burned their dads house down when she eventually snapped. She was jailed and it was all over the newspapers because he was a famous athlete. Another horrible time I try block out.
Anyway, in this box I found cards my mom had written to their dad. In these cards she apologized for being âcrazyâ. She apologized for being âirrationalâ when she caught him cheating. In these cards she begged HIM to forgive her crazy and said she deserved the abuse.
My heart sank. I was so excited to find cards with my momâs handwriting, but then reading them made me sick and took me back to my childhood and hearing my mom being beaten, and then raped as a âsorryâ from him for beating her.
This woman believed that HER âcrazyâ was the problem. Not his cheating. Not his beatings. Not his drug abuse. Not his raping her. SHE was the problem and SHE deserved it all. How fucked up? Iâm shattered.
Iâve thrown the cards away but I think I need to haul them out the bin and burn them as some type of therapy. My ex step brothers are also broken from this. Apologising for not protecting us from their dad. Blaming themselves for his behavior. But we were all to small.
Iâm angry at my mom for thinking it was her fault. I am angry at my dad for not financially supporting my mom that she felt the need to be with a man who beat her but for the money to keep a roof over our head.
Iâm heartbroken that she believed she deserved this. She didnât at all. Not one little bit. Itâs all just so sad and sets off triggers that I didnât even know were there.
Anyway, my writing is terrible, but the bottom line and point is: WOMEN, YOU NEVER DESERVE TO HAVE A HAND LAID ON YOU. WE DONT DESERVE THIS. MEN DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO US. STOP BLAMING YOURSELVES.
DONT EVER THINK YOU ALONE. YOU CAN WALK AWAY. YOU DONT NEED HIM. I PROMISE THE WORLD WONT END WITHOUT HIM. YOU ARE ENOUGH AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.
P.S. If there is any women on my TL that needs support, help, a safe place, an ear, a bed to sleep so you can leave that man, please know that I am here. I would rather fight this storm with you than hear about a funeral.
