TRIGGER WARNING ; MENTION OF SELF HARM
hey. i dont wanna sound desperate, but im really tired of not being able to vent out my feelings since i dont feel close enough to anyone to tell them what im going through. not alot of people see my tweets, and you can scroll right-

through this thread if you want to. again, this is just for me to vent out my feelings, like i do with most of my tweets, but i know that some people might get uncomfortable with what i say so i decided to put the trigger warning.

so. ive been thinking of self harm since may of this year. why? at first glance, you may see me as a smart girl who came from the philippines and has a good life in the states, with proper education. with both her mom and dad with her. yes, thats true. but obv, theres-

more to it than that. since the beginning of may (even before that time) one of my parents(i dont really wanna say) has been 'tearing' me down emotionally. i use the word tearing since i feel like what im feeling and going through right now cant compare to what others have.

this parent has been shaming me and my body, constantly rubbing in my face that im the reason why we are in a bad situation (we dont have a stable home; ig you can say we dont really have one?) also telling me that she wouldve aborted me instead. she also blames me for her own-

mistakes and tells me that its my fault. also - she getd SO heated over the smallest things. there was this one time where i deadass left a waterbottle in the room and she got mad. a WATTERBOTTLE. she gets SO heated over this shit, and she proceeds to tell me that i shouldve-

just stayed in the philippines since im such a fucking headache to her. obv theres more, i just cant comprehend everything shes done since shes done to much and i cant think of everything clearly rn. this made me want to slf harm. i was mad at myself for letting her words hurt-

me like that since i like to think of myself as strong and someone who doesnt give af. i sobbed when i looked at a razor since so many stuff popped into my head looking at it. i havent told anyone, literally 0.

+ my mom also has a really high standard for me, yk good grades and someone nice, shit like that. so whenever i break the persona she wants me to be, she always goes on her petty shit saying "you dont know what its like to really suffer" and other stuff like that.

basically stuff that says ' yeah youre suffering, but ive gone througj more shit than you have so youre invalid ' . because of that mindset of hers and her personality as a mom to me, im not really able to say anything, and i never have said something back at her, just thinking-

of what i would have said if i could say something. and since we share a room together, she has all the time to bicker at me whether to tell me that im trash or that her lifes a mess cause im here. ive been trying to let her words slip through my ear -

like its nothing.its getting harder and harder to have any emotion of what she says, but i feel like its getting easier to hide them since im so used to her cutting me down like that and me just holding back my tears while not showing my face to her since i know id be vulnerable.

the thought of self harm because of this really punched me in the gut. whenever i cried and thought about hurting myself, id think about just leaving this world, and that makes me cry even harder.

have i told anyone? again, no. if you read this whole thing, then idrc, you can just go back to your normal life since ik most would think im just one of those QuiRky gIrls who wanna feel trauma.

++ this was NOT mad3 to guilt trip anyone. again, i just wanted to express my feeling as i do with this acc since i have no one to tell.

and i might be deleting this, so yeah. if you read this whole thing, then bye.

oh and no i havent self harmed, im THIS close to though