MOTHERHOOD: The untold stories

DISCLAIMER: These are my thoughts and experience. This is not a one size fits all glove.

Also, be patient with me. I'm between the care of my newborn, pumping and trying to rest

"Sleep when the baby sleeps"

Fucking bullshit. You're so fucking terrified or anxious or simply just have to get things done... It's just not realistic 100% of the time. Deprivation creeps up on you when the baby is up every 2hrs every night to feed.

Sleep is so essential but such a privilege. I found that adrenaline after birth kept me going for a solid 3 days before I crashed. I crashed HARD. I cried hot and VERRRRRRY wet tears.

I needed to sleep but my baby needed me too.

You don't get it until you're in it.

Your body feels so empty after you give birth. Like, there's a literal hollowness. For me, it almost felt like my insides were sploshing around at some point. I held my belly when I had to move "quickly*"

*- I was moving at snail pace because of my episiotomy incision.

My pelvis took a hot minute before it stopped feeling like a shaky tooth. It literally felt so wobbly. Sitting, getting up or even wiggling off the bed felt uncomfortable to be. Such a weird experience to try to describe. I'm guessing it's because your joints are still so loose.

Postpartum bleeding:

What a massacre in your drawers You often bleed through the most absorbent pads. My bleeding was consistently heavy for about 4 days before I got a somewhat ease. You change pads so often to avoid infection (episiotomy). You can't wipe.

Taking a shit is an entire "wardrobe" change. You have to soak your crotch in borderline hot water for a week... Maybe two.
Tip: invest in a peri bottle to keep the area clean and dermaplast for the soreness and pain

More on bleeding: you have to monitor the bleeding based on duration, color of blood, passing clots, look out for smells.
Oh and the more you breastfeed, the more you bleed but that's good. It helps to promote healing.

Breastfeeding:

Let me tell you, it's hard as fuck. Don't let anyone tell you differently. From cracked and or sore nipples, clogged ducts, mastitis, low supply, engorgement... it's a real trip. Reading is essential. Finding a style that's comfortable for you is important.

Your breast milk doesn't always come in right away (mine took 4 days) and that can be frustrating. When it does, sleeping on your belly becomes a joke again If you produce a lot of milk like me, you're going to have to pump and store. It really comes in handy.

Breastfeeding is one of those things where you have to put aside your own feelings and understand you're the life force which drives this tiny human. Your energy is important. Outside of all you feel, relax, unwind and bond with your baby.

It's also important to understand that your baby might not latch as quickly and as well as you'd like. This can be frustrating for you both. Again, patience. Talk to baby. Communicate. Be calm.

Baby blues:

I've cried EVERY day since my baby was born. Not because I hate motherhood but because it's been a lot. I didn't sleep the first three days of his life. I wasn't eating well. I was so anxious. The perpetual feeling of not doing enough or not being enough for baby

..hit like a tonne of bricks several times a day. This was because his dad and my sister would take over to help me get rest or eat. For me, it felt like I was not a part of his life. So I cried. I cry. I cried last night.

Baby blues has been being asked what's wrong and how to help and I couldn't answer. I can't understand. It just is. I'm a different person now. I don't laugh at much (I'm so focused on baby) but I try now to do so more. I'm just dazed a lot.

I'm usually the first to wake up. So while everyone is sleeping, it's me and Mr sweetface rocking until everyone catches themselves after working through the night. So I talk a lot to him. I apologise because he deserves the best.

It's been hard with family. I get everyone is excited but I'm not in my element so everyone has been so overwhelming. I need to find my groove. It's hard having someone in your face telling you do it this way or don't do that. I prefer people to stay away for now. Maybe I'm mean.

But I am prioritizing my own feelings. Everyone outside of me my and my child are secondary. Not everyone gets this and takes offence. Even more stress on my mental lol

Oh and every time you feed baba, you're supposed to burp them to avoid gas that can become very painful. So feeding time is an actual workout lol

Support:

I don't know how y'all feel about mommy groups but I had a tiny tribe of mommies that would message throughout the day in a chat. It is/was helpful before birthing and even more so after. Your friends without babies can only offer so much help and advice.

I've found that connecting with mommies have helped with my anxiety because..I AM NOT ALONE. I'M NOT THE ONLY MOMMY GOING THROUGH THIS CRAZY SHIT. That helped. Knowing that it's not just in my head. That I'm not overreacting.

It's also important to have support at home. This is sooooooo important. There are days when I break down and bawl but Riley's dad is there to reassure me that our son has the best mom life could ever give to him. My sister takes him so I can rest and though I feel guilty..I try.

Support is essential. Though it may not seem like you're believing being told you can do this and you're going great, it's comforting to know you have people in your corner who are rooting for you and will have your back regardless. Motherhood is not easy. You learn that.

Support from friends come from them taking a step back, not messaging and calling so often. Or even then bringing food because they understand that you can't do all the shit you once could. Support isn't just being around.. It's also taking a step back or filling in the gaps.

The most challenging part of motherhood for me has been baby blues. The convincing myself that I'm good enough for my baby.. That I'm doing the best for my baby and that he's ok and he will be ok. Mommy guilt can riddle you. I love being a mommy. I love my baby. I won't lie and

say it's not hard though. It's a major adjustment. You prioritize your life EVERY day. Do I eat first or bathe after? Can I get a soak in now or wait until bedtime? Do I layer him or just let a vest rock? So many decisions.

Oh and I forgot to mention that you have to monitor stress. Your body can decrease its milk supply because of how YOU are feeling.
There's also watching what you easy because some foods can cause your milk to make baby gassy or colicky. Lol. What a shit show.

In all of this, you still have to take care of yourself. Bathe, eat, sleep, get out the house, do nice things for yourself.
Your baby needs the best you.

I'm not going glamorize anything and pretend like motherhood is roses and butterflies. It's rewarding but it's not perfect.

I love my son more than life itself and I say that with no reservations. Being a mom is hard but being his mommy is the one thing I won't give up on. I'll do this and more for him without batting an eye.
He smiles. He's lifting his head. He stares and frowns. He's mine.