im starting to let go to the point where i recognize me missing the past doesnt mean it would work now or even in the future. i know i'll grow past this and meet new people and get closer to current friends, and it seems to be best for both me and my other friend

we're different people now and stuff they said to me while understandable is something i can't get over in a week or month or even a year. i think if i get past the point of feeling guilty and beating myself up it's a sign i've lost hope and know i can't do anymore

i was far from perfect but i did the best with what i knew about my situation at the time and with the cards i was dealt. ive reflected on myself and my actions and i've grown and i'm still struggling to keep my head above water. i never expected someone to come back

rather it's the seeming lack of self awareness about their own words and actions that have hurt me. they say actions > words all the time yet dont see how their own actions dont match their words. i tried for them yet never has that once been acknowledged.

i go out of my way to say that i know they tried and did their best, and to show that i hear their point of view and how they feel, but ive never gotten that back and it hurts. as ive said i dont want them to stay in a situation that hurt them, but im still allowed to be hurt too

and ofc never is an extreme statement but i cant remember a time they have since the on and off and push and pull started. ig i dont have the right to vent abt this because as ive said im not innocent but being falsely accused is infuriating to me, ig triggering in a way gfhghfh