tomorrow this boy turns 7, so let me tell you about all the shit he caused as a toddler

When he was 1yo I found him chewing something on the lawn, I fished it out of his mouth and was horrified to find a cigarette. I grab him and his sister (3yo) and bring them inside and call poison control

I'm frantic on the phone with poison control. I've never had to call it. The nurse calms me down asks how he's doing. I look around. He's gone. I panic. The nurse says, "he's gone isn't he?"

I say, "hold on!" Rush around finally find him INSIDE THE DISHWASHER! I pull him out. He has a knife.

A fucking knife. He's waving it. I think I'm gonna die. He's happy and erratic and if I get the knife I might get cut. So I set him down. Come up behind him. Squeeze his fist. Baby disarmed.

I confess everything to the poison control lady who I am sure is going to come here and remove the kids from my care. She laughs. Tells me to mix a drink and put the kids in a bath to keep them in one place and skip making dinner. I do as she says.

When he can walk he becomes the master of escape. Constantly running outside when my back is turned. Neighbors return him. My daughter begins to exhaustedly shout, "bubby wanned away again!' the librarians call me (to my face) the mom of the kid who runs away

18mo rips off a cabinet door to access the trash

His favorite story is how one day, returning home from a trip to the museum. His sister was blessedly asleep and he wasn't. So I was faced with those math problems. Get one kid in and keep her asleep, while ensuring the other doesn't run away. He's a master of escape

I cannot leave him in the car. So I run him inside. Turn on Curious George. Run outside to get his sister. Bring her in. She's sleeping. I walk into the kitchen and there is my son, standing on the stove with a whole handful of pie in his hand and over his face.

We stare at one another. My 3yo is asleep. I need her to stay asleep. He looks me dead ass in the eyes. "mah pie!" He says. I leave him. Put her in bed. Rush down and pull him off the stove

Once while cleaning the house I find twelve markers, their tops bitten off, ink sucked dry

When we block off the stairs. He climbs THE OUTSIDE OF THE STEPS ALONG THE BANNISTERS.

When he goes to part-time daycare, the teachers begin to tell me he's bringing things in his pockets that I'm not noticing. Like what I ask? Like rocks and nails they say

I begin to have to pat him down before school. I find not only rocks and nails, plastic knives, sticks, a toothpick (???)

He is the child who teaches me how to use my knee to buckle in a kid in a car seat. (Those who know, know.) On grocery trips I shop with one arm grasping him so he doesn't launch head first out of the cart no buckle can contain him

When he's 18 he just stops eating. Slips off the weight charts we have to go into the doctor. I am concerned they think I'm a bad mom. For three years I make him protein smoothies every morning so he can bulk up.

Anyway, my small son is perfect and he's the sweetest kid and never gets in trouble in school. But for a while there I was sure I would die and having kids 2.25 years apart was crazy as hell. But look!!

I suspect in college he's gonna start some shit. I will have plausible deniability then.

Sorry on the 18 thing that should be 18mo!!!

Oh also for years I called him Boyd for Boyd Crowder because same chaotic energy and wide mouths

Me and mah babies

SORRY ONE LAST ONE. At the age of 3, he inexplicably begins pointing to people and yelling "dat fucking guy!" I'm mortified. I gaslight my (now) ex and say "Oh they are teaching him German in school." Idk it works

This reaches crisis levels one day at the kids museum when he's yelling in the play grocery store "I be da grocer you be'd DAT FUCKING GUY. MOM SAYED IT, SAYED DAT FUCKING GUY!"

I realize that because he wakes up so early in the morning (4:30-5am) I sit with him on the couch while he watches cartoons and read the news on my phone. Folks. It's 2016. Guess what's happening in the news....DAT FUCKING GUY. I figure I'm probably swearing while next to him.

I stop reading the news next to him. He forgets about DAT FUCKING GUY

Okay that's enough. But thanks for @LadyHallman reminding me of the last one

Oh wow