Domestic violence situation question:

The partner habitually..takes..your things and enmeshes and engulfs them in her hoard.

2 books of yours go missing. Important books. You don't want to, but to find your own possessions, you have to search in ..her space.

You start.

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You come upon a journal of hers. One of the months "covered" in writing are the month she was more than passively trying to exert force on your heart condition to actually kill you. You look. You read.

You find incredible information of what she actually believes about

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you AND your adult children. One has already left home just months ago. The other is kind of imprisoned by the situation and the abuser, staying in her room all day for safety. But she's planning an escape to be with her gf.

..

I read the journal and counsel

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my daughter to speed up her exit plan, and share more details of my own. I want her to go first, get safe.

I take pictures of the journal and a dozen especially awful pages. The abuser's main tactic is severe gaslighting. I'm disabled and need special food. Until I

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asked her to leave the house, she was, by force of will and...servanthood.. making as many of the meals as possible. Here and there, she'd cook one that was absolutely going to make me sick at minimum, for days on end. Sometimes it was more serious. But each time

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I got sick, it was too difficult to have basic strength to make my own meals. I'd be bedridden for days to weeks on end. And in pain.

The journal talks about how actually "likes it best when....is sick. Am I a bad person because of that? Probably.". And details.

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Whereas in the life I knew in my fog, I would find out she "accidentally" made bad food, which I ate, then play damsel in distress and that she didn't know or forgot, then, would give me a well-crafted written apology, and go back to her weird sweet demeanor on top of

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volcanic rage.

Her actions matched only her journal.

I'd been LOST in the actions-words gaslight and ..attempts at my life, desire to bring me to the brink...lost. Wholly lost. For the decade I'd been describing to different unhelpful counselors, "living with her is a

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kind of smoke inhalation. I can't get out. (My ex husband) was just flames, dangerous fire, she's an inescapable smoke. I don't know what to do.

The journal discovery was salvific.

I shared photos of it with my counselor and a minister who was being DV support.

They

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we're horrified (still are). But not with her. With me for reading them. With me for taking photos. With me for not deleting the photos. Grounds of ethics and morals and not stooping to the base level of the abuser.

I... didn't. I kept it for my safety. For a

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wet rag on my face when she's near me and before we've completed the final big steps of whole separation. We're only at the very start - where she wants back in the house.

Thing is, she's SO good at the sweet innocent act that I get under the spell of that too.

And

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there are times now that I wonder whether the diagnosis of Closet or Covert Narcissist is close but not everything. There are times when I feel in my being,

Psychopath.

And I forget this
With ANY exposure to her.
Until she fucks me again.

I do not think what I did with

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journal was wrong. I'm extremely over sensitive of conscience, which is why bad people could manipulate me.

Do you see what I did as ethical violation?

I have nothing in my conscience that says that. Of my 2 counselors, one is with me, the other hurling some of the

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fire of hell at me.

I see the one counselor as living a life of integrity. The one who condemned me, no.

Feedback and comments here must be dv sensitive.