Screw it, quarantine has broken me. Imma spoil every original Goosebumps book. (All 62) #goosebumps

#1 Welcome to Dead House - Amanda and Josh kill the zombie children with light and knock down a tree to shine light on the rest of the undead. They find their parents and move out. As they leave, another family is preparing to move in. This one legit gave me nightmares as a kid.

#2 Stay Out of the Basement - After getting into a standard Clone standoff, Margaret cuts her father's hand to reveal red blood. He cuts the plant-like clone in half. A few weeks later, after burning the mutant plants, a plant grabs Margaret and tells her he's her real father.

#3 Monster Blood - Sarabeth, who was holding Evan's Aunt Kathryn in bondage for 20 years, orders the monster blood to attack Evan and Andy, but Evan's gigantic dog Trigger pushes her into the blood, breaking the curse and causing the monster blood and the dog to shrink.

#4 Say Cheese and Die! - Greg and Shari defeat Spidey the evil scientist by taking his photo with the evil camera, and he dies of fright. They leave the camera in the house where bullies Joey and Mickey find it and take their own photo with it.

#5 The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb - Gabe uses the mummy hand called The Summoner to summon mummies who defeat the bad guy by throwing him into a boiling tar pit (the hell?)

#6 Let's Get Invisible! - Max fights his own reflection and his friends' doppelgangers. Lefty destroys the mirror and the reflections are sucked back in. Max discover that Lefty now throws a ball with his right hand. Meaning...eh you get it by now.

#7 Night of the Living Dummy - Lindy and Kris destroy the evil ventriloquist dummy Mr. Wood (heh) with a steamroller, only for another dummy named Slappy to come alive and become the mascot for the series I guess.

#8 The Girl Who Cried Monster - Lucy's family invites school librarian Mr. Mortman (the eponymous monster) over to dinner - where they promptly devour him. See, her entire family is ALSO monsters, and they want to be the only ones in town. (Honestly this twist is badass)

#9 Welcome to Camp Nightmare - Turns out all the scary stuff in the camp was a government test, and Billy passed! Now he gets to join his scientist parents on a dangerous mission - to Earth! (Rod Serling would be proud - did he get any royalties from this one?)

#10 The Ghost Next Door - the neighbor boy Danny wasn't the ghost, the protagonist Hannah was! She saves Danny from dying in a fire so a shadow thing can't claim his soul (?) and she goes back to heaven. Shyamalan should pay Stine royalties.

#11 The Haunted Mask - Carly Beth uses her mother's plaster of paris replica of her own head as a symbol of love to finally remove the mask (??), only for her idiot brother to put it on. The tv episode scared the crap out of me as a kid (very important context)

#12 Be Careful What You Wish For - Frustrated that all her wishes have turned out wrong, Samantha Byrd tells Clarissa that she wishes she'd never met her and that her rival Judith had met her instead. Wish granted. Judith wishes for Sam to turn into a bird. Smooth move, Sam.

#13 Piano Lessons Can be Murder - Jerry's evil piano teacher tries to steal his hands, but a ghost girl and a horde of spirits attack him. Later Jerry joins a baseball team, and It's implied they ALSO wanna steal his hands? Bad luck, Jerry.

#14 The Werewolf of Fever Swamp - Will, who is the titular werewolf, attacks Grady but is chased off by Grady's dog Wolf. Of course this attack turns Grady into a werewolf, so now once a month he goes hunting in the swamp with his dog. Cute.

#15 You Can't Scare Me! - Eddie's friends, dressed as mud monsters, approach to scare Courtney once and for all. But then his friends actually arrive and they realize the mud monsters are real. They escape, but are terrified to leave the house. Courtney is worse than ever.

#16 One Day at Horrorland - the theme park is actually a monster game show where humans are killed and tortured. Before her family is pushed into a pit of death, Lizzy pinches the monsters and kills them. They steal a bus and are given free passes to the park by a monster.

#17 Why I'm Afraid of Bees - Gary stings Dirk as payback for trying to steal his body. As he lays dying, they somehow switch back into their original bodies. Everything is back to normal. Except Gary still likes sucking pollen out of flowers with his tongue. Weirdo.

#18 Monster Blood II - Evan eats monster blood to fight Cuddles the giant hamster. Just as he is about to lose, they both shrink down to their original sizes because the monster blood expired. Andy gets a can of monster blood from Germany which Cuddles maybe eats?

#19 Deep Trouble - Billy and Sheena help save the mermaid from poachers. When the zoo offers Dr. D (ha) a million dollars for the mermaids' location, he lies about the mermaids' existence. Billy swims in the lagoon to see the mermaids one last time and finds a sea monster.

#20 The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight - As the scarecrows surround them, Sticks uses two torches from the barn to burn them all. Stanley vows to never read from the magic book that brought them to life again, but breaks that promise the next day, bringing a stuffed bear to life.

#21 Go Eat Worms! - Todd is saved from a giant worm seeking revenge by Regina and Beth's giant plaster Robin scaring it away. He stops collecting worms and starts collecting butterflies. He wakes up one night and finds a gigantic butterfly with a silver pin. Whomp whomp.

#22 Ghost Beach - the creepy kids were the ghosts all along who died over 300 years ago. Harrison seals the cave and sacrifices himself to trap the ghosts inside. But twist - Jerry and Terri's distant cousins Agatha and Brad are ALSO ghosts! Spooky!

#23 Return of the Mummy - Gabe accidentally tears off Nila's pendant, which is what allowed her to stay alive for 3,000 years. She turns back into a scarab and the mummy goes back to being dead. Nila, as a scarab, attacks Gabe while he sleeps maybe?

#24 Phantom of the Auditorium - during the play, the Phantom reveals that he fell through the trapdoor seventy years earlier and never got to play the part. Brooke rips off his mask and he falls and vanishes. An old yearbook reveals her friend Brian was actually the phantom.

#25 Attack of the Mutant – Skipper learns from the Masked Mutant that he was turned into a comic book character. He tricks the Masked Mutant into turning into a wave of sulfuric acid, knowing that once he turns into a liquid, he can’t turn solid. Skipper gets a cut and bleeds ink

#26 My Hairiest Adventure – Larry and all his friends are actually dogs turned into humans by a science experiment, and after the serum wears off, they turn back into dogs. Then they turn a cat into a baby human. Stine, um, loves this kind of twist, as you’ll see.

#27 A Night in Terror Tower – Eddie uses the three white stones he stole from the sorcerer Morgred to return them to the present and escape the Lord High Executioner. A rare happy ending for once, with no last page twist. I feel…cheated, somehow.

#28 The Cuckoo Clock of Doom – Michael succeeds in reversing the cuckoo clock and time flows forward again. He return to the present, only to find his sister Tara doesn’t exist because her birth year is missing from the clock. He vows to return for her. Maybe. Wow, dark.

#29 Monster Blood III – After the monster blood turns Evan into a giant, his cousin Kermit uses his shrinking formula to return him to his regular size. But it works too well and makes him the size of a Borrower. This stuff basically does whatever Stine wants it to do.

#30 It Came From Beneath the Sink – Kat uses the power of love to destroy the Grool and restore their luck. Then she’s bitten by a potato monster called a Lanx that will suck all of the energy from her body. Out of the frying pan, as they say.

#31 Night of the Living Dummy II – Slappy creeps into Sara’s room but is destroyed by her brother Jed, dressed up as another dummy, Dennis. The whole thing was a sting operation to prove to Sara and Amy’s parents that Slappy is alive. Then they find Jed still asleep in bed. Oh no

#32 The Barking Ghost – Cooper and Fergie, now in the bodies of evil ghost dogs, drag their human bodies into the body-swapping shack (?) but something goes wrong and they switch bodies with chipmunks. Kid version of The Fly, along with Why I’m Afraid of Bees.

#33 The Horror at Camp Jellyjam – after killing King Jellyjam with his own stench, Elliot, Wendy, and the other campers escape as the counselors are snapped out of their trances by the police’s whistles. They’re reunited with their parents. Another rare happy ending.

#34 Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes – Joe uses a dog whistle to call Buster to fight off the evil lawn gnomes but learns that the gnomes were actually scared of the whistle itself. Then his dad buys a lawn gorilla that winks at Joe. Whole thing presumably starts all over again.

#35 A Shocker on Shock Street – turns out, Erin and Marty aren’t human at all. They’re robots designed to test all of the rides in the park but they malfunctioned, thinking they were real. So they’re turned off. Cruel. Life is a meaningless joke, apparently.

#36 The Haunted Mask II – Totally ignoring the lore from the first Haunted Mask book, Steve gets rid of the mask by…finding its matching tuxedo counterpart in a basement? And of course their buddy puts on a mask he can’t get off. Feels a little phoned in.

#37 The Headless Ghost – Duane and Stephanie give up haunting the neighborhood after seeing the headless ghost in Hill House. Months later, they return to Hill house to take the tour from Otto and Edna. When they leave, police inform them that the tour has been closed for months.

#38 The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena – After Jordan accidentally freezes Nicole with a snowball, they release the Abominable Snowman who hugs Nicole and thaws her. They bury the remaining snowballs, only for the twins to find them and throw them at each other. Too dumb to live.

#39 How I Got My Shrunken Head – Mark uses his shrunken head and his Jungle Magic to save them from having their heads shrunk by Dr. Hawlings, whose body is magically shrunk. Aunt Benna takes the magic away from him, but on his way to school, the shrunken head talks.

#40 Night of the Living Dummy III – All the dummies come to life and kill Slappy. Trina and Dan’s cousin Zane accuses them of moving the dummies around as a practical joke, and they get in trouble. When Zane tells their dad he wants to be a ventriloquist, Trina gives him Slappy.

#41 Bad Hare Day – Tim finds out magician Amaz-O, his idol, is actually a rabbit. He accepts Amaz-O’s offer to join his magic act, not realizing he was agreeing to be a rabbit rather than the magician. But he’s still stoked. Like, WAY too happy about being a rabbit.

#42 Egg Monsters from Mars – The egg monsters kill Dr. Gray and Dana escapes the laboratory. Life returns to normal. And then Dana lays an enormous egg on the lawn. That’s not me being funny, it’s literally described as the “biggest egg you ever saw”.

#43 The Beast from the East – Ginger uses her identical twin brothers Nat and Pat to convince the monsters that they’re level 3 players in the monsters’ weird game. As they’re leaving, they run into another level 3 player monster – who makes them play a harder game. Uh oh.

#44 Say Cheese and Die – Again! – Greg and Shari reverse their fat/skinny curse by making negatives of the original polaroids. Greg brings the camera to school to prove to Mr. Saur that it's real and their teacher takes a photo of all of them with it. So I guess they’re dead now.

#45 Ghost Camp – Harry and Alex escape from the ghosts in the, um, ghost camp that wanted to take over their bodies. As they search for a highway to take them home, Alex, a great singer, sings off key, revealing his body was taken over by Elvis, a ghost with a bad voice.

#46 How to Kill a Monster – Gretchen and Clark escape from the dead monster and run off into the swamp, only to read their grandparents’ final instruction to never go into the swamp because the monster’s relatives are looking for revenge. So they’re doomed. Fun fun.

#47 Legend of the Lost Legend – Marissa, Justin, and their father finally find the lost legend: a chest containing a parchment cursing all who find it that they’ll be lost forever. Whoops.

#48 Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns – the Jack-o-lantern people are actually alien relatives of twins Shane and Shana, and they’re the ones who have been eating fat people around the town. But the bullies get scared witless, so all’s good, I guess?

#49 Vampire Breath – Freddy finds out that the vampire Count Nightwing is his grandfather, making him a vampire too. They accidentally open a bottle called Werewolf Sweat and Cara turns into a werewolf. Starting to see some patterns here, Stine, after 50 books.

#50 Calling All Creeps – After Ricky finds out the Creeps wanna make him their ruler, he gladly gives everyone, including himself, seeds that turn them into Creeps. So now he’s in charge and I’m sure it won’t go to his head.

#51 Beware, the Snowman – The Snowman that Jaclyn thought was her father is actually a monster, but before it can kill her and her Aunt Greta, a snowman army brought by Conrad, Jaclyn’s real father and a sorcerer, arrives and crushes the monster. Wut.

#52 How I Learned to Fly – Jack pretends to lose his ability to fly and throws the race against Wilson, which works out since Wilson becomes famous while Jack can retain his anonymity and fly in secret. Also, Wilson is too busy to date Mia, leaving Jack free to hang with her.

#53 Chicken, Chicken – Crystal and Cole, as tiny chicks, successfully apologize to Vanessa and she breaks the curse. They drink soda and burp, and despite knowing that Vanessa highly values manners, don’t excuse themselves. So she turns them into pigs.

#54 Don’t Go to Sleep! – Matt finally breaks out of reality warping loop thing that he’s caught in by sleeping in his old bedroom, only for his parents to move him into the guest room that started the whole reality warping mess. It’s a weird ‘un.

#55 The Blob That Ate Everyone – Zach uses his magic powers that bring his thoughts to life to kill the blob. But Twist! The whole book is a story written by a blob monster, and his friend convinces him to change the ending so that the blob eats everyone. Just like the title.

#56 The Curse of Camp Cold Lake – Della, a ghost, tries to kill Sarah with a snake so that she’ll be her friend forever but is saved by Briana. But twist – Briana is also dead. Della killed her the year before, but Briana never liked her and wants to make Sarah her friend. Foreva

#57 My Best Friend is Invisible – Sammy’s invisible friend Brent is actually a human, and everyone else is an alien. Brent was turned invisible to protect him. Humans are an endangered species and Brent is destined for a zoo. Shyamalan just got a boner.

#58 Deep Trouble II – Billy is forced to drink plankton that will turn him into a fish. When nothing happens, Dr. Ritter drinks some plankton, turns into a fish, and escapes. Billy reveals he replaced a vial of plankton with iced tea for a prank. Sheena maybe turns into a fish?

#59 The Haunted School – Tommy and Ben use a tube of lipstick to escape from the crazy black and white world. During the class photo, they learn too late that their photographer is the same man that banished past students to the black and white world with his evil camera. Wild.

#60 Werewolf Skin – After Hannah and Alex steal his aunt and uncle’s titular werewolf skin, they successfully break the curse and stop his aunt and uncle from needing to be werewolves. But twist – Hannah is also a werewolf with her own skin, and she transforms and attacks Alex.

#61 I Live in Your Basement – Turns out Marco wasn’t hit with a baseball bat after all. Keith was. And he’s a monster who lives in Marco’s basement and can turn inside out. Really bizarre, dreams within dreams, maybe the most surreal Goosebumps book.

#62 Monster Blood IV – Professor Eric Crane accidentally spills some of the blue monster blood on neighborhood bully Conan’s yard as he leaves. The next day, Evan, Kermit, and Andy discover that Conan ate the blue stuff and split into four clones of Conan. Stupid Monster Blood.

What a colossal waste of time for me and everyone who reads this. Forgive me, God. Forgive me, @RL_Stine