A story on growth and healing, that I'd like to share to my tiny ass following because goddamn if we don't all need some hope right now.
TW: #toxictheology
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#toxictheologykills
#queerChristiansexist
#mentalhealth #MentalHealthAwareness
#yourbodyisaperson

~NOTE~
I'd like to acknowledge the fucked up system I exist in that gives me, a white person, the privilege to afford these services while millions will never see access to mental health care services in their life.
#mentalhealthcare in the US is broken

I've been seeing a counselor regularly and consistently for almost a year now. Before her, I was in inconsistent therapy for about two years (two big moves messed everything up).
I've been on medication since August of last year (SSRI).
And

I've been a client of @jamieleefinch since pre-COVID (but that became inconsistent for a bit due to a brief stint of income uncertainty, we're consistent again)

I've been digging hard into my deepest, ugliest, most debilitating traumas.
It's been eviscerating.
I've had periods of horrible nightmares.
Periods of deep numbness.
Deep grief.
Deep depression.
Deep anger.
You name it.

In a deep healing process like this, we don't see the results until they are big, obvious, and often pointed out to us by someone else.
Growth is gradual. Growth is consistent and never ending.
Healing and building a healthy relationship with our bodies is gradual.

My Big Obvious Moment happened two weekends ago.

Ya see.
All my life I've slouched. For so many reasons.
1) obvi, I hated my body and every piece of them
2) I had no confidence or pride and lived riddled with shame
3) I'm tall for an AFAB, and working in kitchens for years gave me chronic back pain
4) I have back injuries

Two weekends ago I saw my parents since the first time since October.
It's hard to be with them.
They're abusive. They are abusers. It's painful an exhausting.
But ya know what the first thing they said to me was?
"Have you gotten taller?"

HAVE I. A 28 YEAR OLD PERSON HAD A GROWTH SPURT?!

No, of course not.
But I don't slouch anymore.
I don't slouch anymore because I've committed to investing in a relationship with my Body.
Because I've committed to undoing a lifetime of abusive internal scripts.
Because I'm learning who I am and how incredible I am.

So take that, #toxictheology
Take it. And shove it up your ass.
You told me I was nothing.
You told be to live a life of guilt, shame, self-hatred, and merely surviving.
But here I am.
Free as the bluebird on my back.