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Okay lol so ya’ll know how people be getting offended by seeing a statue of Mama Mary behind Hoseok? It reminded me of my past life as an active member of my church around 7 to 8 years ago before I got traumatized 
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So I guess this thread will be my storytimehttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="☺️" title="Lächelndes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht">
So I guess this thread will be my storytime
Disclaimer: the trauma wasn’t about anything particularly bad that they did to me but it was enough to hurt a kid that was around...13-14 years old at the time? Anyways, i’ll start hahaha
So, I first joined our church’s youth choir when I was in 7th grade coz my mom wanted me to use my voice (since I LOVED singing I guess? LOL)
It was really fun and I loved every minute that I spent with them.
It was really fun and I loved every minute that I spent with them.
We would help out in the Church, organize events, do fundraising, etc. And we were all close to our Parish Priest (particularly me and 2 others who were considered the “babies” in the group)
I developed a love for sports and other hobbies coz I looked up to our Parish Priest and would get into all his hobbies (tennis, running, etc)
*BTW he’s a great person but I was also hurt the most by what happened further on
*BTW he’s a great person but I was also hurt the most by what happened further on
While I had this happy life in the church and with all these people, my family was having fights. Mom was saying how our dad was having an affair and as the eldest, would tell me everything even though i’ve always been a daddy’s girl
So I started hating her, and a part of me who loved and looked up to my dad was also dying. I started hating the house and all the fights and “updates” from my mom.
So I stayed more in the convent, I hung out more with the friends I made at the church
So I stayed more in the convent, I hung out more with the friends I made at the church
I spent the most amount of time at the office of the church and Father’s residence, sometimes going there straight from school.
My parents started getting mad at me for always being out even though they knew that I was safe around those people.
My parents started getting mad at me for always being out even though they knew that I was safe around those people.
I guess they were lashing out at me coz of their own problems with each other. I’ll never really know since no one ever talks about anything in my family. Even now, years after when we’re all still stuck with each other.
I tried hiding my situation with my family, I was always the happiest in the group and everyone was fond of me in the church...I guess I was kinda like the Jungkook of our group? I was small, seemed carefree and was open to others. But I dreaded ending the days with them.
Going back home would wipe the smile off my face. It would be back to my mom always being in a bad mood and me usually being on the receiving end of her moods.
One particular night, I was watching a movie at a friend’s house just a couple of blocks away from mine
One particular night, I was watching a movie at a friend’s house just a couple of blocks away from mine
I got a call from my mom, fuming mad, telling me not to come home again. I honestly thought she wasn’t serious but she really had my clothes out when I got back home. My dad was working in the province so he knew nothing, but I ended up having to sleep at my friend’s house
Her family was also church people, close to our priest as well, and I guess word got around. All the older members of the church started getting more detached, wasn’t as warm with me anymore and as I was so young it confused me so much
The day after, btw, dad ordered me to come back coz he already talked to/fought with my mom. I stopped talking to her for 2-3 months afterwards. Not even a look (coz I tend to hold a grudge when people hurt me)
I guess it was a gradual coldness that was settling in, I didn’t really notice that everyone was trying to push me away, get me to stay at home so that my parents wouldn’t make problems with them. Imagine how much their reputation mattered to them tho, instead of
how they were making me feel. The climax was Feb 29, 2020. I have the worst memory, but I could never forget that day. I was hanging out at the church residence as per usual, I stood up to say hi to Father who just came back from somewhere, he gave me a glance then walked away
Not a single word, only coldness from following him as he walked away. I sat down and I am not exaggerating when I say that I was literally frozen for 2-3 hours...trying to understand what just happened, fighting back tears coz of my confusion
until the church Secretary *kindly* asked me to go home since I had been moving for hours and I guess he also told her to tell me that. I live 3 streets away from the church and that was the most painful walk of my life. I burst into tears the moment I stepped out of there
I texted our group leader, mad and asking why she didn’t tell me anything. I told her I hated her, I arrived at my house crying and she came to me. I guess even she could feel my pain and started crying too and I found out how everyone thought that it was best that
I stop being as active in the church coz of my parents. That hurt me, coz I never thought that I was doing anything wrong the entire time I was in the church. I thought I was a good person for loving it so much and dedicating so much of my time there
But I guess how I felt didn’t really matter. It’s an institution that doesn’t need me, not really. Other older members in our choir sided with me but that wasn’t where the pain ended. Those members and I attended an early morning service by our parish priest
And when everyone was coming up to get his blessing (custom is you take his hand and touch it to your forehead) and when it was my turn, in front of everyone he completely avoided me. As if I wasn’t there
Once again, I was frozen. But this was worse coz everyone was there. I tried to not react...I just went back to my seat and stayed there until he and the other people had left the church. I don’t really remember the other things that were happening around me, I think
My friends were trying to get me to leave with them already but I really couldn’t move. When everyone but us were gone, I started sobbing again and asking them what I did wrong. It was the most confusing year of my life. I spent months crying in bed every night
Coz no one from the people who treated me differently ever explained what exactly happened. 7-8 years later and the memories still haunt me. Lol I couldn’t stop the tears that i’m still shedding as I write this thread.
I stayed in the church for another year, but I stopped going all together after a year. I stopped doing the sign of the cross, entering any church would get me to hyperventilate sometimes or i’d feel sick, and I never sincerely prayed again
The most sickening of it all is how mad my parents were when I stopped going to church, even on special and holy days, and refused to do anything related to our religion. It took a year for them to give up on forcing me but they always use it against me.
Whenever I did anything that they deemed “bad” it was because I didn’t pray or go to church. All my mistakes and failures were because I never pray or went to church. But when I had been there, I still wasn’t a good person.
“You’re always there but you’re still a bad person” “You’re just there because you want others to think you’re good but you don’t follow everything we tell you like a good catholic daughter should”
So yeah...that’s all I guess. I’ve given up on getting my answers honestly. I’ll just have to live my whole life with the pain of never knowing and understanding.
The end.
Hahahah
Hahahah
