Well, nuts. I didn't wanna use my creative account for this, but, I've blocked people on main, they've blocked me, and I don't have the energy to untangle that mess right now.

Hi! I'm @YaGirlJuniper. I fucked up.

Well, it's more like I've *been* fucking up.
When this whole controversy around me started, I didn't take it seriously. I was defiant and disrespectful, because @IurplePodine's callout had things I knew to be lies, and while there were truths in it too, I saw the majority of the claims as horseshit. Character assassination.
I couldn't see past it. I saw the "she might groom children because of patterns!" and I shut my brain off. No. I knew the source of those claims, she's a known liar and manipulator who's stalked me since 2017, and I figured she saw me become infamous and this callout was all her.
And then I locked and I was alone with my thoughts and started preparing to acknowledge the true points and apologize for them.

And then I started thinking. There ARE lies, but could there be more truth there than I realized? Have I really hurt people?
And then I started remembering things that weren't even brought up. Times when I yelled at someone because they disagreed without giving a reason, times when I yelled at friends and made a few cry, a time when I yelled at a friendly guy just sharing his straight ship headcanon.
I can't keep telling myself "sure I get mad sometimes, but I apologize and those are rare." This is a pattern. This is a problem.

I AM toxic.

I HAVE failed people.

I didn't even think I was wrong any of those times.

I love my confidence... but I know that I'm arrogant.
I'm SHOCKINGLY arrogant. I know this and kinda treat it like a fun little part of my appeal, I even find arrogance attractive in others, but I draw the line at when you're so sure of yourself you start to hurt people with it.

"But I'm not like that!" I kept telling myself.
Excuse me while I have a wake-up call.

No. No babe, you are like that. Your mom has yelled at you multiple times because you're so arrogant you think you're always right and if someone disagrees you can't fucking handle it, and not once have you considered it might be a problem.
I've lost multiple friends to this now and I feel like quite a few are only hanging on by a thread. I've got a problem and I need to stop myself. I need to learn to shut the fuck up. I argue with my dad when he's yelling at my mom, it makes things worse, and she's told me to stop
And I've only stopped myself once because I always think I know better, because "people who are wrong must be shown the truth."

I was confused at first when people kept telling me "no, you don't get it, that doesn't matter! Wow. You don't even think you're wrong."

I get it now.
Thinking back to the claims in the callout, at first I had no idea what people were talking about, because I've never harassed anyone into deleting something, nor have I ever wanted to make anyone feel sorry for tweeting something.

...at least, not intentionally.
And then I remembered this one time with a person who used to be a friend. I loved them, and I wanted them to stay safe, and when they posted a Fairies Manga page with Clownpiece's curves outlined, I worried that the same stalker making my groomer claims would attack them too.
She'd made people out to be pedophiles over things far less than that, and she targets LGBT people. My former friend was trans, and that meant if that happened, it would stick, and it would traumatize them too, so I warned them about that and asked them to remove it.
This interaction ended positively, or so I thought, so I didn't think I was upsetting them. When they finally blocked me, it SHOCKED me. I didn't know anything was wrong.

The other claim about me making someone feel bad about a tweet must have been a more recent encounter.
Another former friend posted a thread speaking out against the pretty obvious homophobia in the Touhou fandom, and on the whole, I agreed with it... until the last tweet, where they went "both sides on the extremes are toxic."

And that annoyed people, myself included.
I wasn't mad, but this is a common refrain that centrists and liberals tend to make where they denounce a problem but don't want to seem like they're biased. It happens for a number of reasons, and is a sore point for me because it feels like you're equating Pride Art with Nazis.
And when I say this, I think people get the sense I'm not talking about Actual Nazis, I just call everyone a fucking Nazi. Oh no. There are screenshots of admins in important Touhou circles saying they have guns and would murder us down to the child if they only had the bullets.
I do have them, and I want people to see, but I'm afraid to share them publicly.

I told anybody if they didn't believe me when I say this fandom is INFESTED with Nazis, to DM me. This person did. I showed them. They were horrified, and they felt bad for having Both Sides'ed it.
But at the end of that conversation I also said something else, and in it lies the reason I never felt like I was doing anything wrong:

Nazis DESPISE me. If you hate me, I thought you must either be a Nazi, or a sympathizer at the least,

and I


I felt like a hero.
And you know what? My followers thought so too. One of them, a friend who I almost lost in this controversy, told me they'd idolized me, and this controversy ripped away the curtain.

People don't hate me because they're the Nazis I fight, they hate me because I'm a bitch.
Because in every disagreement, I see a microaggression. You can disagree, but why WOULD you just say "no" to it, with all this evidence I've dropped at your feet, unless...

Fill in the blank.

Sometimes I'm even right, but my behavior isn't helping. It's doing the reverse.
And I think I would have made a lot more friends and won a lot more hearts and minds if I had just politely asked a few of them, "why?" and let them think about it.

But now? Not a chance. They hate my guts, they've tuned me out, and I'm sure I've put off a lot of others too.
And that leads us to... THIS Fucking Thing.


What the fuck was I thinking?

I know! I was thinking "gee, I'm sure frustrated that people who aren't trans and aren't lesbians typically don't put up with me for very long!


Goddamn it.

This was inexcusable. This is indefensible, and I defended it. I can't even look at it. Just get it away from me.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Y'know, I wondered why people would just suddenly leave without a word sometimes when nothing seemed wrong, and I realize it's because people learned from word of mouth what I do and they were putting on a friendly face because they were TERRIFIED of me.


...I fucked up.
I can take the time to prove I don't groom children in a sec. As unfair as that was, I have to apologize to a few people first. I won't expect forgiveness. People have given me multiple chances and I still failed them. If they don't trust me not to fuck it up again, I get it.

You showed up to be friendly and share your happiness with me and I ground your face into the dirt. You didn't deserve that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm such a toxic person. I never considered that by saying what I said back then, I might be having the same effect as if I'd done it myself, and that I was making you afraid of something that hadn't happened. I miss you, but I get it.

I'm sorry.

Seeing you say the things you said made me realize I'd been a bad friend to you too. I sometimes expect people to tell me where the line is, but I can't put that expectation on people when I get as defensive and heated as I do. I have to do better.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong to do what I did. It doesn't matter what the facts end up being, ZUN is a fucking person, not a weapon. That's not fair to him and it won't make anyone stop being shitty to us anyway. I knew that. Clearly I just wanted to feel like a winner.

I'm sorry.

I should know better than to be dragging people into battle when I know it affects you as much as it does. I worried I was hurting you with my behavior, and that alone should have fucking stopped me. You trusted me so much, and I failed you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I get so mad at you sometimes. It's not your fault, even if I make you feel like it is. I'm just too fucking sensitive. I need to admit to myself that is my problem and not your problem.

I'm sorry.

What you did was the wake-up call I needed. I appreciate you so much and I almost never show it. I don't blame you for losing faith in me, I'd stopped deserving it long ago. I promise to be a better friend.

I'm sorry.
@QuariumArts & @hazama_yuutou

I feel like our circles have been silently beefing for over a year over a series of misunderstandings, and we both want the others to be the ones to budge. You've been dishonest yourselves, and I think our friendship is over.

But I'm still sorry.
@Ispod4, @Espernyan, @thislittlelog

How are y'all even still here? Y'all have been with me since the controversies began. You've seen me at my worst and stayed with me and sometimes even went to bat for me. You deserve better than to be my shoulders to cry on.

I'm sorry.
For anyone else I've missed, I'm sorry. I'm sure there are many. People in discords and people on forums and people on Reddit.

Next though, I'd like to speak about our disagreements, because if we don't resolve those issues, the fighting isn't going to stop.
Let's be honest with ourselves: we can't all be friends. That's not something anyone can change. The best we can do is Live and Let Live.

Let me be clear: I'm not going to stop making fan theories or believing Touhou is gay. That's not hurting anyone. If that upsets you...

I feel like our disagreements stem from the fact that some people see a distinct line between "Canon" and "Headcanon" and ne'er the twain shall meet, while others like myself believe different people can read the same Canon and see a different Truth, so it's all Headcanon anyway.
Different groups can have different ideas about what's Canon. That's fine. No one's taking anything away from anyone, and if we seem defensive, it's because it feels like that's what you're trying to do to us by shoving a pencil into our hands and going "draw the line. Now."
It's especially galling when that treatment is so selectively enforced. It makes us feel like we're being singled out in bad faith.

I have to remind myself I don't get to decide how you should enjoy your time in Touhou, but you don't get to decide how we should enjoy ours either
and I would like the chance to acknowledge all the ways I HAVE been wronged in all this

I was made out to be a potential predator for no reason other than I have friends of all ages. People assumed this meant things it didn't.

Are you in any discords that allow people under 18?
If so, you probably have made friends. Some of them are much older than you, some of them much younger. This inevitably means 33 year olds might befriend 15 year olds.

This is what I was talking about. You idiots. I was not sharing my "intimate details" with them.
Do you know how this helped me transition? It wasn't by sharing every step of my questioning with kids, that was going on ENTIRELY in my own head.

They share their art. That's on their Tumblr. You follow that Tumblr for more art. Along the way, they share trans people's stories.
You're curious, so you read them. They're relatable. Too relatable.

Obviously the first thing you do isn't fucking tell anyone. You hide. You're scared bc now you wonder if YOU'RE trans, and that means you might lose EVERYTHING. Friends, family, jobs, public life. Everything.
And you DEFINITELY won't say any of this to a minor. Minors are now a danger to you. You tell them not to follow you, but they don't listen, and they don't tell you cuz they dont' get it, and when you find out, they won't go because they see you as a friend.

But you're firm. No.
But they still see you in Discord, so you can't avoid all interaction, and you decide since that's in an all-ages space, that's fine.

So you stay friends, albeit with boundaries, which are absolutely necessary both for them, and for you, because the truth doesn't matter.
If you are an over-30 trans woman, people are so ready to believe you're a predator that a person with bad intentions can destroy your entire life just by saying "I heard this person is a predator! They make friends with teenagers!"

And that's exactly what happened.
And that, like it or not, top to bottom, is transphobia. It does not matter if you tell people the evidence is nonexistent and to not jump to conclusions, because you cannot control the mob. They WILL assume our guilt even if you have NO victims, NO screenshots, and NO proof.
On this, you dropped the ball, and I'm allowed to be furious about that. White supremacists edited my real picture to make memes about child grooming, they yuk it up amongst themselves and will continue to do so.

I think I'm owed something for that. An apology at least.
I do have something in mind. I will unblock the person who started this callout and they can DM me for the details. They offered to put the Nazis who attacked me on blast if they had their names, so I'll take them up on that offer.

I can't fight anymore. I'm exhausted.
Besides that, I owe it to everyone around me to stop. I keep saying I will and then I don't. It's time I actually do it. I've gotta express myself in healthier ways.

I'd like to move on if people will let me. Hopefully our next encounter will be happier than this.

Later, babes.
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