I can't tell if I'm losing friends or choosing not to have friends

I seem absolutely unable to have more than one close person in my life

it feels horrible that I'm often apathetic toward the friends I have, yet I somehow expect them to care about me. I get hurt when they don't

third option is that I'm imagining this, which is probably partially true

but I know I'm so preoccupied to the point of always preferring to be at home working on my stuff

I can barely remember the last time I'd rather see a friend, and, isn't that kinda mean to my friends?

that I'm, sort-of pretending to be closer to them than I actually truly feel like I want to be

and yet I still fear losing them entirely

maybe it's the social stigma associated with losing friends and not having friends that make me reluctant and fearful of just accepting it

I don't know how to tell, but, then again I'm not a psychologist and I'm always biased in my own self assessment

this isn't recent by the way - this has been my feelings around this for at least 6 years

(just some recent events that happened that sort-of confirmed most of my fears around this)

wild how life swings from being so stunned and happy I finally reached the career goal of not being constantly stressed about paying rent while working full time on my own projects

...and yet have these lows of feeling garbage and extremely insecure about my value as a friend

strong "I should be happy" energy