obviously i don’t speak for all trans men here, just myself, but for what it’s worth: i did not transition because i found being a woman dangerous, difficult or disgusting. i transitioned in SPITE of once feeling that way... about men.

i love and admire women. this was true when i was trying desperately to be one, and it’s true now. the women i know are brilliant, strong, kind, resilient and amazing, and i wanted more than anything to be one of them, to be the person who matched the body i was born with.

and on the other hand, i suffered horribly at the hands of multiple cis men before i transitioned. for a while there i believed myself to hate men, as a group; it was easier, at the time, to tell myself i hated them all than to work through what i really felt.

when i started to realize i needed to transition, i never once thought, “at last, an escape from the dangerous, difficult, disgusting experience of being a woman!” but my very first thought was, “oh god, does this mean i’m one of THEM? oh shit, oh no, i don’t want to be a man.”

the idea of leaving womanhood behind, of losing the spaces i was able to access because i presented as a woman, of stepping away from the warmth and strength and camaraderie that exists between women — it terrified me. it was my strongest argument AGAINST transition.

ultimately i realized it wasn’t worth getting to remain in the warm embrace of womanhood if being there made me feel like a failure and a fraud, like no one really knew me, like if i adjusted even one piece of my carefully constructed personality it would all come crumbling down.

it hurt. i mourned losing womanhood; i mourned losing the version of myself i tried so hard to be. she‘d have been great, if only she’d been within me. she‘d have been exceptional, if only she’d existed, and hadn’t instead been me, a man, with an increasingly tattered costume on.

transition for me was never about escaping womanhood. it was about escaping the single, specific lie that *i* was a woman, after years of trying desperately, with everything in me, to make that lie true. i wanted so badly for it to be true. it just wasn’t.

if there had been a way for me to be myself — to be the honest, authentic person i kept hidden for nearly 30 years — and remain a woman? i would have done it. but it just wasn’t in the cards; it isn’t who i am; there’s only so long you can beat your own head against a brick wall.

and eventually i learned not only how to accept myself as a man, but to love being one. and i learned, too, how to use what i’d experienced while presenting as a woman to shape the kind of man i am, and the kind of man i emphatically, pointedly, intentionally am not.

like i said, i can’t speak for all trans men — groups of people are comprised of individuals! for example, most cis women i know are lovely & supportive of trans rights, and not at all to blame for the famous woman losing her shit about us of late.

but the trans men i know, both personally & as a reader/observer of history, are the best of men. we remember living as women, what we faced when we presented as women, & it makes us careful & intentional about the kind of masculinity we subscribe to, the kind of men we become.

the trans men i know stand up for and defend women, even in spaces where women aren’t around to see us do it. the trans men i know treat women with warmth, respect, kindness and empathy. the trans men i know think women are incredible; we’re simply not women ourselves.

again, i am sure there are exceptions, as in any group. but in my experience, trans men do not transition out of disgust for womanhood. we transition because we are men, cannot help being men, and don’t want to live an exhausting, desperate lie anymore.

a final thought: i am a better friend to everyone in my life today, whatever their gender, than i was before transition. i am a stronger, kinder, more reliable person now that i am not using 85% of my energy to build a fake version of myself to trot out in front of others.

so allow me to be the canary in this coal mine: when you deny someone the chance to transition — when you talk them out of it, insist it’s rooted in grim stuff they don’t feel, legislate their options away — all you really do is guarantee they never get to become their best self.

and if that seems right to you? if you feel like it’s okay for people to deny themselves (and their loved ones) their own growth and happiness and most honest life, simply for your comfort? that, i will admit, i find dangerous, difficult, and disgusting.