One of countless helpful insights in Big Friendship by ⁦ @annfriedman⁩ and ⁦ @aminatou⁩: Radical honesty and intimacy in one friendship can enrich all of your other relationships, and also motivate you to step back from incomplete or unsatisfying alliances.

I love how Big Friendship captures how finding a friend you trust and can be totally honest with feels like falling in love. It's important to take that instinctive trust and those strong feelings seriously. It's rare and precious and it deserves your attention and energy.

I am very very into diving into friendships with all of my heart lately, even though when I care a lot 1) I get super creepily enthusiastic and 2) I start to feel vulnerable and sure that the other person thinks I'm a loser. The more I like someone, the worse it is.

As a pretty avoidant person who's trying to be less avoidant & move closer to people I admire instead of staying protected & distant, taking my enthusiasm & love seriously & tolerating my vulnerability around it has been, uh, challenging! But the more I do it, the better I feel.

Radically close, honest, mutual friendships are amazing, but you have to be ready to truly show up and not project old stories from your past onto the present. Not easy for some of us! Anyway, BUY THE DAMN BOOK! https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781982111908

And let me just say this again: The more you care, the more you'll be tempted to get quieter, recede, avoid expressing your needs, and start telling inaccurate stories about what's wrong with the other person that makes them unable to meet your needs.

Until you notice how you leave people when you feel vulnerable, you won't have mutual, intimate friendships. It's so fucking sad but so many of us grow in families where intimacy feels threatening or unnerving or weak. Overcoming that impulse changes everything. But it's harrrrd.

Intensely honest friendships can also make your romantic relationship more honest & richer, if you can find ways to bring the vibrant energy of the friendship into your partnership. Again, not easy, because at first you're like BE MORE LIKE MY FRIEND, BORING DUMMY.

Making room for your friend's vulnerability --> making room for your own vulnerability in that friendship --> making room for your vulnerability in your romantic partnership --> making room for your partner's vulnerability.

If you're avoidant, you're always unconsciously blocking vulnerability wherever you discover it. You don't know you're doing it, usually, and tend to tell stories about how other people aren't that open. I mean, look, I write about this shit 24-7 and I am v. bad at this!

Some people can't do vulnerability ever, even though they want to. It's sad how many people actively fight against honesty or just can't tolerate intimacy. But that's all the more reason to DIVE THE FUCK IN when you find someone who can. (And then try hard not to run away!)

In conclusion: