So, last Friday....

We are all sat in the conference room when suddenly Maggie, from the front desk, bursts in, panting.

"Simon Coveney just rang ahead, he's on the way in from Dublin, he wants a briefing".

"On what?" I ask.

"Everything!"

Oh no.

It is 11:15, the nespresso machine is out of capsules, and the Assistant Secretaries have just finished the bourbon creams.

I direct Maggie to make an emergency biscuit run.

"Will that qualify for expenses?" she asks.

No time to get the obligatory 3 quotes

"Yes, expense them"

Maggie leaves on her errand.

I turn to the 3 Amigos AKA the Assistant Secretaries.

"Tell him not to bother coming down, just send the Junior Minister over" one said

I explain that there isn't a Junior Minister anymore.

"Oh, that's right. Who do we give the run around to now?"

At this point my phone beeps.

It is Chris Donohue on WhatsApp, Coveney's Special Advisor.

"Simon wants to know how advanced the white paper projects are, do not disappoint him"

The 3 Amigos are joking about the time they sent Paul Kehoe to stationary office for a 'long weight'

I reply to Chris that we have closed 20% of the projects.

He responds "Okay, 20% complete, good start, but you're 50% into your implementation period, are you confident you will complete them all?"

I correct him "those projects are closed, not complete"

"What does that mean?"

I am typing my reply to Chris when Maggie rings me from the car park

"Did I leave my car keys up there?"

I note the keys on the conference table complete with bottle opener key ring.

"Yes, run up and get them."

She'll have to, the lift is broken.

The 3 Amigos are getting up to leave.

"Where are you going?" I ask

"To make ourselves scarce" one said.

It's an age old tactic, if you can't dodge the question, simply dodge the person asking it.

Too late now though. Coveney knows we're here.

Chris follows up

"Well?"

I turn to the 3 Amigos and ask "how many projects have yet to start?"

"Half" says one.

"55% to be exact, but don't worry, we buried the project status matrix into Appendix 6 in the Ministerial brief, it's like page 2 of Google search, no one will ever look there" says another.

Chris follows up on WhatsApp again.

"I'm looking at Appendix 6, we need to talk"

Oh crap.

Maggie bursts in, grabs her keys and runs back out, tripping on the floor trim in the process.

I reply to Chris "What's your ETA?"

"40 mins, but Garda escort just put the blue lights on, maybe 30 mins now. Simon is speaking to Leo looking for a debrief on Defence portfolio"

Leo won't know anything, he left it all down to Kehoe.

Maybe we can get to Kehoe first?

I ring Kehoe, he picks up.

"Who's this?"

I ask him if he's spoken to Simon Coveney.

"No, why? Is he coming to Wexford?"

I explain Simon might call him after Leo for a debrief on Defence.

"Oh right, that. What should I tell him?"

I ask him to hang up and switch off his phone

The 3 Amigos are squabbling.

The new Govt has upset the playbook.

Typically we would just confuse the Jr Minister until he went away.

If a FG Cabinet Minister got involved, we would threaten to leak inconvenient facts to FF & visa versa.

But now FF & FG are in Govt together

Chris sends another WhatsApp.

"It says here your white paper projects are 'on track' but there's a long list of projects not yet commenced, what's the story?"

I shoot a look to the 3 Amigos and ask who put in the Ministerial brief that the projects were 'on track'?

The 3 Amigos start laughing

One says, "Well its technically true"

I'm confused

He continues "So, we built a small Scalextic track in the trophy room & placed an empty folder on top of it called 'WP Projects', so in case anyone asks where they are, we can say 'on track'"

Oh no

At this point it occurs to me that I didn't ask Maggie to get the nespresso capsules too.

I text her the additional shopping list item.

The 3 Amigos are still chuckling away to themselves.

"So what are we going to tell Coveney?" I ask.

ETA 25 mins.

"Probably best not let Coveney into the Trophy room, it's a bit of a mess" one Amigo says.

Another says "Yeah, we had a bit of a session in there & ended up playing Top Trumps with the discharge papers. It got a bit rowdy after someone pulled the Asst Chief of Staff sheet out"

I leave the conference room and open the door to the trophy room.

Oh dear.

There must be a thousand discharge papers strewn across the floors, nearly 2 years worth of files

Chris messages again "so are they on track?"

I look at the folder on the Scalextic.

"Sort of" I reply.

Maggie called from Mace.

"They only have plain rich tea biscuits and instant coffee, will that do?"

Absolutely not, this is a new Cabinet Minister for Defence, not the Chief the Staff.

I direct her to Eurospar instead.

The 3 Amigos gaze into the Trophy Room with a look of regret and pride.

"Don't worry, we'll get some principle officers to clear this up. We will pile these up and dump them in the same cupboard with the CVs of viable external candidates for Secretary General." An Amigo said

Ok, we need a plan.

How do we compress a 96 page waffle report into an engaging presentation that will win over the new Minister for Defence and convince him we've been busy?

I call the Director of Emergency Planning, she's been doing loads with COVID-19.

It goes to voicemail.

Got a text from Maggie.

Coincidentally Maggie bumped into the Director of Emergency Planning (henceforth referred to as DEP) at Carphone Warehouse on route to Eurospar

Apparently DEP's phone was lost at sea, she lost her contacts & hasn't backed anything up.

So many questions.

WhatsApp message in from Chris, they're pulling into Newbridge.

Principle officers have flooded into the Trophy Room to clear up strewn discharge paperwork.

We are still no closer to being able to brief Coveney and his inquisitive special advisor Chris.

Amigo "I have an idea"

The 3 Amigos whisper among themselves.

Then with a simultaneous nod

"We blame the officers"

I invite them to elaborate.

"Simple, we drag the Chief of Staff into the briefing, then ambush him by calling him up to present to Coveney. Unprepared, he will waffle a bit, and then we take the high ground with 'you see, this is what we are dealing with'"

Good enough.

Back in my office I ring Maggie to tell her to tell the Chief of Staff's Aide-De-Camp (ADC) to tell the Chief of Staff to come to my office

Formalities, it separates us from the barbarians.

Maggie rings back.

"The ADC says it is your turn to visit his office"

For God's sake.

With that I pop to the office next door to visit the Chief of Staff.

There's a note on the door.

{GONE SAILING}

Damn it.

Derek in the security hut rings.

"Minister Coveney's car has just pulled up, Sir".

I look out the window & spy the black Merc queuing to come in, as well as the 3 Amigos in their cars, queuing to get out.

I tell Derek "Kindly inform the 3 Amigos they cannot leave"

"Yes Sir"

WhatsApp from Chris

"We have arrived"

Text from Maggie

"I got the Bourbon Creams and the Nespresso capsules"

Finally, something going to plan.

Another text from Maggie

"I've been clamped"

At this point I'm wondering if it is possible to socially distance my way out of delivering this briefing.

I head downstairs to greet to Minister and his adviser.

I pass the 3 Amigos coming up on the way down to the foyer.

As I approach Simon, I see a printed copy of the Minister Briefing in his hand, littered with sticky notes and page markers.

Chris is on his phone, typing at a furious pace. He looks upset.

I say hello and try to crack a smile, their dead pan expressions aren't reciprocal.

"Welcome back to Newbridge Minister, are you ready to pick up where you left off?" I say jokingly.

"I hope not" Simon replies. "I'm looking forward to hearing of all the progress you have made since I was last here"

Oh crap.

Chris then interrupts.

"Simon, we're needed back at the Convention centre for 1600, this will have to be a flying visit"

Finally, the God's are shining on me

"Why don't we give you a FULL tour Simon? So much has changed since your last visit, we have a Nespresso machine now"

I take a slow pace on the tour and make a point of introducing every member of staff, we cover Finance Branch, Internal Audit Branch, Facilities Branch....

So zealous was I about going to every door, I even accidentally opened the door to the cleaning cupboard.

Oops.

"What's in here?" Simon asks, pointing to the Trophy room door.

I almost lept in front of him to obstruct the door.

"Nothing, nothing at all, it's not part of the tour"

Chris takes out his phone and snaps a photo of Simon and I.

"Can you tweet this?" he says

"Tweet?" I ask

Chris is confused.

"Yes, tweet, on Twitter, you know, social media" he says

"Ohhh, no, we don't do that. We haven't got a policy for Social Media". I replied

Chris dropped his phone.

"Then who is @DOD_Ireland?" He asks.

At this point I felt a storm brewing.