A bunch of y’all whose taste I trust have been tweeting about #TheOldGuard so I’m gonna see what it’s about.

I don’t know shit about it so this should be fun.

Hi what the fuck was that opening.

Oh no why is she deleting that photo

(Also how is Charlize Theron so consistently hot as an action star, I LOVE TO SEE IT)

Chiwetel Ejiofor

So is this just a spy/action thriller? I don’t normally watch this type of movie.

What the fuck is that weapon Andy was carrying???

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT

THE

FUCK!!!!!!

HI WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE

SHE IS USING THE WEAPON, I NOW KNOW HAPPINESS

The photo. THE PHOTO.

I am genuinely sitting here, slack-jawed. I did not anticipate any of this.

Oh shit, is that KiKi Layne?????

NO. NILE. NO. WHY IS THIS MOVIE PUTTING ME THROUGH IT SO QUICKLY

UMMMMMMMMMMM WAIT. THOSE TWO ARE

This movie has taken me three hundred twists in twenty-five minutes.

I don’t know what I intended to type in the last tweet, fuck it, I don’t care, I can’t pay attention to Twitter because WHAT IS THIS MOVIE

Oh my god, Harry Melling is in this too?????

Thirty minutes in and my heart is broken. NILE

Okay, Frank Ocean!!!

I’m sorry her name was WHAT?????

She just.... shot her???? I mean, I guess that’s totally fair but oh my god?????

“Well, she stabbed me, so I think she has potential.”

BLESS THIS MOVIE

I feel like they’re setting up something. The shot of the parachute. The gun. HMMMM.

IT DID NOT SET UP WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD

I CANT BREATHE THIS FIGHT IS WILD

I love that they’re addressing the rapid onset of trauma. Nile’s whole life has been upended by this!

That one wink from Joe? That’s my entire sexuality. All of it.

I AM SO FASCINATED BY THE PYSCHOLOGY OF ALL THIS.

Nope, what is this dream??? NOPE.

The way they are weaving this through history??? The heartbreak???? The intense queer/sapphic energy????????????????

This is the most emotional action film I’ve ever seen. It’s all on the surface too!!!!

THIS FIGHT IN THE CHURCH

Joe’s monologue in the van. I’m sobbing. Full-on sobbing.

The sheer fucking POWER of that scene. Those men being threatened by their love and then having it turned on them.... I can’t. I’m crying.

I love how Andy’s collection of belongings tells so much about her history.

Wow this is so explicitly about violation of consent, medical “progress,” and who is seen as disposable.

“Just because we keep living doesn’t mean we stop hurting.”

Ouch. MOOD FOR 2020

NO. BOOKER’S BACKSTORY. NOOOOOOOOOO

Oh my god. This reveal. NO. NOOOOOOO WHY WON’T THIS MOVIE LEAVE ME ALONE. Andy!!!!

I’m gutted. This is why Nile came to be, right????

My husbands

Nile’s mom and brother

“It’s not what time steals. It’s what it leaves behind.”

Seriously, every step of this film goes a way I wasn’t expecting. Niles’s refusal!!!! This is incredible!!!!!

WHAT!?????? No!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooo I am so upset!!!!!!

BOOKER

THE FUCKING IRONY

I am so upset

Well, Copley, nice time to realize this was a mistake

“It wasn’t your gift to give.”

OUCH.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT WHAT I THINK IS IN THAT BAG IS WHAT IS IN THAT BAG

KiKi Layne is a gift, y’all.

HELL YEAH, FUCK THAT DOCTOR

“But we can control how we live.”

This movie has me so EMOTIONAL

The whole team together

ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT

SHE. BLOCKED. A. BULLET. WITH. AN. AXE.

Merrick swears he’s gonna do something with that weapon

FUCK. KEANE. UP.

HE FUCKED KEANE UP

No. No, don’t do it. ANDY.

I’m crying again

I AM SCREAMING THAT IS NOT WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN.

Omg, Khalid!

This conversation between Booker and Nile

The poetic weight of this decision. Booker made his choice BECAUSE of loneliness.

I am losing it. “She’s not asking.”

I WANT A THOUSAND MORE OF THESE MOVIES. ONE. THOUSAND.

W H A T. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOO I NEED ANOTHER MOVIE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Y’all. Gina Prince-Bythewood and Greg Rucka KILLED IT. The script/direction was PHENOMENAL.

I am truly shocked. What a journey. Heart stopping and brilliant and emotional and full of so many fascinating choices.