Today marks a year since I made the decision to leave a PhD program which, on paper, made little sense considering the success I found in my first year as a PhD student. It has been turbulent and dark, but also refreshing and reassuring. I thought I’d share my thoughts here:

For those who don’t know, I was a PhD student at Rutgers University up until last summer. I completed my first year pretty strong, having finished almost all of my course work, earned two small grants, 4.0, all that good stuff. Yet, I found myself depressed, uninspired, and lost.

My greatest fear, aside from losing those close to me, has always been that I’ll die having not maximized my potential. That I didn’t do as much as I could for my family, conservation, etc. Pursuing and earning a PhD, in my mind, would put those fears to rest. Or so I thought.

It became apparent to me that what was required of a PhD (novel/big picture research, sexy topics that ‘push the field forward’) did not match what I am passionate about (conservation, natural history, etc). It didn’t seem I’d be “maximizing my potential”, so I decided to leave.

The first few months were pretty dark. I had dedicated and sacrificed most of my youth to academia, for what exactly? And furthermore, what the hell was I going to do now? Lots of questions (many of which I still have no answer for) but after sifting through those emotions...

I realized that for the first time in a while, I had time. No coursework, no deadlines, no required reading. All I had was time. Most of which I spent, at least initially, on job boards. But I spent a fraction of it getting back to my roots: herping, recreational reading, art.

Over time, and especially after getting a job, I spent more time with my roots. I produced some artwork, sold some to raise money for a local bat rescue, excercised more, went hiking when I could, blah blah blah. Point is: I began feeling better. I still feel better, today.

I think a shortcoming of social media is that we tend to paint a positive picture, and leave out the negative. I’d be lying if I said it’s been all blue skies and rainbow snakes since I left academia. I’m still trying to answer a whole slew of questions. I’ve had some dark days.

A part of me will always wonder what a life as Dr. Harris would look like. Is that the route where I “maximized my potential”? Is there even such a thing? I’m left with all of that. Overall though, I must say I’m much happier, currently, than I have been in a while.

PhD pursuits are noble and I don’t want this thread to discourage anyone. Everyone has a different path and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong one, so long as you remain passionate. Do your thing! Just wanted to share, have a great weekend and Happy Herping