When anti-violence advocates insist that sexual violence is more harmful for victims than perpetrators, stories like these are the ones that flood our mentions. But how do we make sense of them? A thread. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/seoul-mayor-s-apparent-suicide-sends-shock-waves-through-south-n1233397

I want to start of by saying that although I am a sexual violence researcher, I have not conducted research on this exact topic. To my knowledge, no one has.

That being said, men who have experienced suicidal ideation after being accused often contact me to tell their stories. I've spoken to many on the phone. Everything in this thread is informed both by those conversations and the related research that exists.

To start off, it's worth noting that the suicide rate is high among men in general. Suicidal ideation is high among men, women, and especially high among trans folks, but cis men are the most likely to attempt suicide in ways that end their lives.

Many of the men I spoke to said they were already suicidal before the allegation of sexual misconduct or any associated fallout (e.g., loss of a job in a high profile #MeToo case).

A number said their poor mental health was part of why they committed an act of sexual misconduct in the first place. They felt small after being told that, as men, they were supposed to be dominant. They wanted control back, so they took it from the women around them.

To be clear, the men who contacted me overwhelmingly had committed the acts they were accused of. False allegations are rare. A strong negative reaction to an allegation doesn't mean it's not true.

That seemed to be part of why the panic set in--they had done what they were accused of. And they bought into the rhetoric that sexual violence allegations ruin men's lives. I've written on this in the past. https://twitter.com/NBedera/status/1174340842267512833

From my view as a researcher, men accused of sexual assault will not have their lives "ruined." But that fear of a ruined life? It can lead men accused to do erratic and violent things. Most commonly, that's retaliating against the victim. https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/10/15/16438750/weinstein-sexual-harassment-facts

But it's not unreasonable to think that some would also harm themselves, especially if they are already struggling with anxiety, depression, or suicidal ideation. Especially when seeking help through services like therapy is considered "unmanly" or "emasculating."

(Again, I'm speculating here. We do not know how common this actually is. But there is already ample research indicating that men have unique mental health struggles and that addressing them is stigmatized.)

Stories like this one from Seoul are heart wrenching. Suicide is painful regardless of who the victim is or what they have done in the past. Many people have contacted me feeling torn about this. It's sensible to want to do something about it. I see two possible approaches.

The first--and perhaps the most common one in my mentions--is to discourage survivors from coming forward. To suggest that making an allegation of sexual assault is just as harmful as sexual violence itself.

I want to be perfectly clear: survivors are not responsible for how speaking their truth out loud is received. Survivors, too, are at high risk of suicide when they do not receive proper resources or justice. We should not demand they sacrifice themselves for their abusers.

So what's the other option? To take on masculinity. The thing that's at the core of both sexual violence and the high rate of suicide among men.

A central component of hegemonic masculinity is that men can never achieve it. They are always made to feel inadequate and in competition with one another. One of the ways they can temporarily relieve that pressure is to emasculate each other. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1363460705053337?casa_token=4kq8R0FgWrsAAAAA:teEhCvPMk26kZHYMK0YGNA4k79iAvAZF3qJ6o6HCsb0EQNsPvcI4dbd3wYIDXcEz9r-odzMlYsRW7Hg

For the man emasculated, that creates a pressure to assert their dominance again. They can hurl an insult back at the person who embarrassed them or the two can bond together over dominating someone else (e.g., sexual harassment). https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0891243202016003007?casa_token=KJ7dvPWGc9UAAAAA:OTvus1zdJDiTk4F5s86VGqTekRx4SmF7TrImI7aXlHHwicJer-q-1GpiWHbI2R67CKqgX4OhJvmUHKY

But, again, this is a temporary fix. It won't be long before the whole process starts over again.

This means that even objectively powerful men are insecure in their masculinity. For example, there are Facebook support groups for male CEOs to address their feelings of masculine failure. We certainly see this type of behavior from male politicians as well.

That's why the American Psychological Association has named traditional masculinity as a mental health crisis. It's harmful--to men, yes, but also to the people they hurt in pursuit of that traditional, dominant masculinity that they can never achieve. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/ce-corner

Remaking masculinity is a harder path forward for most people than ignoring men's violence toward women. But it's a worthwhile one. The only worthwhile one.

When you see stories like this one, I hope that you will fight the impulse to ask for survivors' silence and instead ask yourself what you can do to intervene on harmful masculinities.