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Over the last few days the father, since reunited with Idiot Son (he may or may not be happy about that) has been pursuing a tactic of trying to persuade various institutions to allow him an exemption from Brexit. He started with the EU and felt I should know.
Over the last few days the father, since reunited with Idiot Son (he may or may not be happy about that) has been pursuing a tactic of trying to persuade various institutions to allow him an exemption from Brexit. He started with the EU and felt I should know.
Why he felt I would be in any way interested after last weeks debacle is beyond me. He in particular likes to have my feedback on his emails before he sends them.
His key point is always the same, this is not the Brexit he voted for and someone else is to blame.
His key point is always the same, this is not the Brexit he voted for and someone else is to blame.
He asked who to contact at "them EU lot" I said never a bad idea to start at the top and suggested Ursula von der Leyen.
He asked if he is a Brit. I had to explain that she is a woman and no Brits still work at the EU as the UK had left the EU. This seemed to surprise him
He asked if he is a Brit. I had to explain that she is a woman and no Brits still work at the EU as the UK had left the EU. This seemed to surprise him
He asked me if the Brits who had worked at the EU had all lost their jobs. I said well certainly the MEPs like Farage had.
"Nigel Farage !, They sacked him after all he did for Britain. That is a disgrace"
"Nigel Farage !, They sacked him after all he did for Britain. That is a disgrace"
I explained that as the UK was no longer a member of the EU it of course no longer has political representation there.
This he said was "typical of the EU, they are punishing Britain because of Brexit"
This he said was "typical of the EU, they are punishing Britain because of Brexit"
He then asked me if I thought Boris Johnson would be a good person to contact.
"Couldn't do any harm" I said. He asked me what I thought the chances were of a meeting with the PM,
"Slim" I said.
"Couldn't do any harm" I said. He asked me what I thought the chances were of a meeting with the PM,
"Slim" I said.
He said he had already written to him once via the Number 10 website but had yet to receive a reply.
He seemed surprised by this.
He also let slip that idiot son suggested they "just turn at Number 10 up and put him straight"
He seemed surprised by this.
He also let slip that idiot son suggested they "just turn at Number 10 up and put him straight"
I advised against the direct approach (men with guns etc) but I think he was seriously considering it. He then went back to the EU people.
What did I think was the chance of a meeting in Brussels or would they come to him ?
What did I think was the chance of a meeting in Brussels or would they come to him ?
I said I felt the likelihood of Ursula von der Leyen jumping on the Eurostar and coming over for a visit to him was on balance "not high".
He asked if it would make a difference that his father had an OBE for services to farming. I said regretfully it would probably not.
He asked if it would make a difference that his father had an OBE for services to farming. I said regretfully it would probably not.
I suggested he try to contact Nigel Farage, after all he has been at the centre of this for some time. He said he,
"Didn't like to bother Nigel, he's a very busy man"
"Didn't like to bother Nigel, he's a very busy man"
He asked me about the "becoming French stuff".
Would he need to live in France to get it, I said that yes the French tend to like people to show a level of commitment to France before giving citizenship.
"Typical", he said " I want a passport not all the red tape"
Would he need to live in France to get it, I said that yes the French tend to like people to show a level of commitment to France before giving citizenship.
"Typical", he said " I want a passport not all the red tape"
"Well you used to have a passport that gave you what you wanted but you voted to give it up" I said.
He wasn't convinced,
"It's the bloody EU making everything difficult, that's why I need to meet with someone there and get it sorted. I paid good money for that house"
He wasn't convinced,
"It's the bloody EU making everything difficult, that's why I need to meet with someone there and get it sorted. I paid good money for that house"
WhatsApp message from the boss of Idiot Son,
"Just so you know he has spoke about nothing else since he got back. Did he really beat up a Gendarme ?"
"Just so you know he has spoke about nothing else since he got back. Did he really beat up a Gendarme ?"
I said there had indeed been an altercation with a Gendarme but no he not been the winner,
"Just as we all thought - plank"
"Just as we all thought - plank"
This may be a problem, the father is asking if I would be willing to visit Brussels with him to "sort this out"
First question I had,
"Will your son be coming over as well?"
.
Long pause
.
"Probably, why do you ask?"
First question I had,
"Will your son be coming over as well?"
.
Long pause
.
"Probably, why do you ask?"
I just casually mentioned this request to my wife.
She gave me one of 'those' looks.
She gave me one of 'those' looks.
Dog Update
He's caught a frog and has bought it into the house, now there is a frog in the living room under the small sofa.
The wife has decided this is my fault for some reason.
He's caught a frog and has bought it into the house, now there is a frog in the living room under the small sofa.
The wife has decided this is my fault for some reason.
WhatsApp from idiot son,
"Did someone at my work ask you about the stuff we had we the French police"
"Do you mean when you got pepper sprayed, fell on the floor and arrested?" I said
"I don't remember it that way, it was more 50/50"
"Did someone at my work ask you about the stuff we had we the French police"
"Do you mean when you got pepper sprayed, fell on the floor and arrested?" I said
"I don't remember it that way, it was more 50/50"
Email from father, he wants to know if I have any "connections" in Brussels being as how I speak French.
I said yes all French speakers globally know one another.
The sarcasm obviously passed him by because he replied,
"Good that will be helpful"
I said yes all French speakers globally know one another.
The sarcasm obviously passed him by because he replied,
"Good that will be helpful"
Wife reading over my shoulder,
"Are you working or on Twitter again"
<hides twitter page quickly>
"Working dear" <big smile> receive frosty suspicious look in return and much muttering.
"Are you working or on Twitter again"
<hides twitter page quickly>
"Working dear" <big smile> receive frosty suspicious look in return and much muttering.
WhatsApp message from idiot son's boss.
"I thought you might like to know he was arguing with one of the other fitters about his trip and he now he's run over a cat"
"I thought you might like to know he was arguing with one of the other fitters about his trip and he now he's run over a cat"
Turns out it was a bundle of rags.
No cat injuries.
No cat injuries.
WhatsApp from idiot son,
"Out with the boys tonight for a few bevvies. Bring them up to speed on our adventure"
'Our' adventure ?
"Out with the boys tonight for a few bevvies. Bring them up to speed on our adventure"
'Our' adventure ?
I could not resist asking,
"Will Darren be with you?"
Seems he will. That might have consequences.
"Will Darren be with you?"
Seems he will. That might have consequences.
I also asked him if he was still worried about being made French against his will.
He said he was,
"keeping an eye on that stuff."
He said he was,
"keeping an eye on that stuff."
An email from the father that came earlier today and I missed it.
He asking me if he could get a French passport, "over the internet"
He asking me if he could get a French passport, "over the internet"
Overnight a number of messages from idiot son
1am - We showed them
1.23am - Are you there Dave?" (my name is not Dave)
2.04am - How far to France from here?
2.27am - I have a new girlfriend
3.07am - Yp have no idea wha I will be doing
1am - We showed them
1.23am - Are you there Dave?" (my name is not Dave)
2.04am - How far to France from here?
2.27am - I have a new girlfriend
3.07am - Yp have no idea wha I will be doing
At lunchtime he texted me,
"Did I send you messages last night, if I did would you pass them on to the right people"
"Did I send you messages last night, if I did would you pass them on to the right people"
Idiot son's wife has discovered text messages from his "new girlfriend". He's asking me what I think he should do.
Long rambling overnight email from the father (possibly written while drunk)
He's quoting habeas corpus, the US Constitution, the Conservative party manifesto and Macbeth.
Plus he's back on his "It's not fair and I want compensation" line again.
He's quoting habeas corpus, the US Constitution, the Conservative party manifesto and Macbeth.
Plus he's back on his "It's not fair and I want compensation" line again.
Follow up email.
"Ignore last email, that was intended for the House of Lords"
"Ignore last email, that was intended for the House of Lords"
Dog Update
The dog is in the pool being chased by a duck.
The dog is in the pool being chased by a duck.
Just had text message from idiot son's wife demanding that I and my wife,
"Tell her everything about this girl he's met" because if she founds out he's been cheating she will,
"Do time for him if needed"
"Tell her everything about this girl he's met" because if she founds out he's been cheating she will,
"Do time for him if needed"
Ladies and Gentleman, there comes a point where events align so beautifully that it suggests the hand of a higher power or at the very least Nietzsche.
I have in the last three minutes just discovered that idiot son's wife is Darren's sister.
I have in the last three minutes just discovered that idiot son's wife is Darren's sister.
Idiot son WhatsApp message,
"You have to cover for me with the wife. I can handle her but Darren is a bit tasty and will give me a kicking if he finds out"
"You have to cover for me with the wife. I can handle her but Darren is a bit tasty and will give me a kicking if he finds out"
Well I suppose there was a certain inevitability to this but I sighed when I read it.
The father has emailed me asking for help in "becoming French and all that"
The father has emailed me asking for help in "becoming French and all that"
Weekend email from father:
Did I think France would give him compensation if he has to change his right hand drive car to a left hand drive one for living in France. As he said,
"After all it is a Renault and that's French"
I suggested he write directly to Pres. Macron.
Did I think France would give him compensation if he has to change his right hand drive car to a left hand drive one for living in France. As he said,
"After all it is a Renault and that's French"
I suggested he write directly to Pres. Macron.
I asked him what he thought of the £705 million the UK was going to have to spend on the EU border infrastructure
"Well it's typical of the EU to cause these problems, they could have simply let Britain continue with the present arrangements but instead they had to be difficult"
"Well it's typical of the EU to cause these problems, they could have simply let Britain continue with the present arrangements but instead they had to be difficult"
I said surely this is the result of the UK choosing to leave the Customs Union,
"O no" he said "The UK was pushed out by Brussels" Seems he saw an article on the Brexit Party website that,
"explained it all"
"O no" he said "The UK was pushed out by Brussels" Seems he saw an article on the Brexit Party website that,
"explained it all"
They have had a big falling out in the family. Father is pushing for French passports but idiot son is opposed. He said, "
If we become French all sorts of things might happen"
It's not clear what he's nervous of, maybe an improved dinner experience ?
If we become French all sorts of things might happen"
It's not clear what he's nervous of, maybe an improved dinner experience ?
Dog Update"
Wife calling from kitchen to say,
"Your dog has made a terrible mess"
It used to be 'our' dog.
Wife calling from kitchen to say,
"Your dog has made a terrible mess"
It used to be 'our' dog.
WhatsApp from idiot son.
"If we do this becoming French stuff will I have to join the French Army?"
I assured him he was not what the military of France and the Armée de terre in particular was seeking in any future soldier.
"If we do this becoming French stuff will I have to join the French Army?"
I assured him he was not what the military of France and the Armée de terre in particular was seeking in any future soldier.
The death of irony in one message
Email from father (who let me remind you voted for Brexit)
"All this bloody fuss because people didn't take the time to research Brexit properly. The British Government needs to get this sorted"
Email from father (who let me remind you voted for Brexit)
"All this bloody fuss because people didn't take the time to research Brexit properly. The British Government needs to get this sorted"
He also sent me a text message,
"This 'let's get going' PR campaign from the government today is a bit meaningless. They need to do better than that to ensure a fair Brexit"
He still doesn't get it.
"This 'let's get going' PR campaign from the government today is a bit meaningless. They need to do better than that to ensure a fair Brexit"
He still doesn't get it.
My wife has had an email from the idiot son's mother.
"It's ridiculous how long this has dragged on for. We were never told this about Brexit and I don't think we should suffer because of it. Please ask your husband to help where can"
"It's ridiculous how long this has dragged on for. We were never told this about Brexit and I don't think we should suffer because of it. Please ask your husband to help where can"
My wife (a woman given to a succinct turn of phrase) has replied.
I asked her not to, I recommended words to use, I suggested tact and diplomacy, I reminded her these are our neighbours, I explained how so many had been fooled and manipulated over Brexit. She went her own way
I asked her not to, I recommended words to use, I suggested tact and diplomacy, I reminded her these are our neighbours, I explained how so many had been fooled and manipulated over Brexit. She went her own way
From my wife to the mother, 1/2
"You people deserve all all that is happening to you. You were told the truth and you ignored the truth, you voted for Brexit, you allowed your racism to let you justify your vote. My husband has kept your son out of prison. I am sick of you...
"You people deserve all all that is happening to you. You were told the truth and you ignored the truth, you voted for Brexit, you allowed your racism to let you justify your vote. My husband has kept your son out of prison. I am sick of you...
2/2
.. all. How much more do we have to do for you ? Your country has become a laughing stock around the world. We French are laughing at you, the Germans are laughing at you, even the Belgians are laughing at you. You have as you British say, made your bed now sleep in it.
.. all. How much more do we have to do for you ? Your country has become a laughing stock around the world. We French are laughing at you, the Germans are laughing at you, even the Belgians are laughing at you. You have as you British say, made your bed now sleep in it.
Following that email, she went upstairs changed her shoes, and came back to my study.
"I am now ready for you to take me to lunch"
We are off to lunch. Goodbye everybody.
"I am now ready for you to take me to lunch"
We are off to lunch. Goodbye everybody.
WhatsApp from idiot son.
"Mum and Dad arguing again. No idea what about"
"Mum and Dad arguing again. No idea what about"
Lunch update.
A wonderful warm (30 degrees) sunny day here in the Dordogne. Lunch was
A Duck breast salad with a local dressing and a glass of Pinot Gris (wife)
Cheese omelette with a green salad and a glass of Pinot Blanc (self)
Coffee for both with a slice of walnut cake.
A wonderful warm (30 degrees) sunny day here in the Dordogne. Lunch was
A Duck breast salad with a local dressing and a glass of Pinot Gris (wife)
Cheese omelette with a green salad and a glass of Pinot Blanc (self)
Coffee for both with a slice of walnut cake.
So I just looked at my wife's laptop and the mother has replied.
"I thunk you are very rude and I shall not be speaking with you again. The only way that Brexit will work for everyone is if we all pull together. I await your apology"
"I thunk you are very rude and I shall not be speaking with you again. The only way that Brexit will work for everyone is if we all pull together. I await your apology"
I watch my wife read this, she gave her characteristic laugh of derision followed by the words,
"Casse-toi !".
She then promptly went to change before going for a swim. She is swimming up and down the pool laughing and telling the dog that the British are all mad.
"Casse-toi !".
She then promptly went to change before going for a swim. She is swimming up and down the pool laughing and telling the dog that the British are all mad.
WhatsApp message from idiot son.
"Mum is pretty upset, you are going to need to get your wife to apologise other we will not be able to move this project to a successful conclusion"
I have no idea why he has started writing like a second rate management consultant
"Mum is pretty upset, you are going to need to get your wife to apologise other we will not be able to move this project to a successful conclusion"
I have no idea why he has started writing like a second rate management consultant
I said he should assume an apology will not be forthcoming.
EVER !
EVER !
So this is weird, clearly somebody else is writing WhatsApp messages for him,
"It's not like we need to boil the ocean here but I think if we all move as one and hold the feet to the fire of those who are roadblocks we can bring this home with a win/win"
"It's not like we need to boil the ocean here but I think if we all move as one and hold the feet to the fire of those who are roadblocks we can bring this home with a win/win"
The mother has just sent my wife a follow up email which reads,
"I'M WAITING !' with an image of somebody pointing at a watch.
My wife has not seen that email ......... yet.
"I'M WAITING !' with an image of somebody pointing at a watch.
My wife has not seen that email ......... yet.
My wife has just sat down at her laptop, she is scrolling through messages.
The tension is killing me, even the dog looks worried.
The tension is killing me, even the dog looks worried.
I am watching this out of the corner of my eye, she had adopted her 'Zen like' yoga pose on the chair.
This is not a good sign, this warns of imminent eruption.
This is not a good sign, this warns of imminent eruption.
It sometimes takes my wife time to compose emails in English but this time she really made an effort. She wrote it quite fast and with some level of violence toward the keyboard but she remained in a state that I like to call,
'Aggressive bliss'. She pressed send. It said,
'Aggressive bliss'. She pressed send. It said,
"You will never receive an apology from me. If you come near me when you next visit I will happily drown you. You are the architect of your own destruction and too stupid to understand why. Your husband lacks intellectual capability, your son lacks capability of any kind......
