One ~ sad realization I've had about living on #TeamPanicDisorder:

One of the characteristics of a panic attack for me and many others is the sense of all-impending DOOM. The sympathetic nervous response fires up and only calamity and The End feels nigh.

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Blessedly, panic attacks fade. But I've come to realize that over the years, it's left an imprint. I now seem to have as a general mood some difficulty in seeing lights in the dark, in seeing paths through.

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I have to consciously remind myself that, with luck and a boatload of privilege, this -- whatever "this" is -- is likely not The End and that many things pass. What's the Jewish expression? Something like: to life, until you die.

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Still. It's sad to realize how much a mood disorder characterized mostly by intense acute events can have longitudinal impact on mood.

I study and teach about the fact of chronicity. I live some of it, too.

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Thus, sometimes I find even very maudlin reminders of the presence of light and possibility quite affecting. Fauci said this the other day and I almost choked up. These are little bells of mindfulness, which anxiety and panic (and ADHD I guess) work to thieve.

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Anyway. Off to do some coding now. Have a good evening.

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#NoShame #ShameFlourishesInTheDark #ThisIsWhoIAm #NoStigma