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I feel like I've been hitting a functioning wall in slow motion for about four years.
(but significantly accelerated through the last four months.)
(Yes, I am aware that functioning labels are bogus and it's an ableist metric. Internalized ableism is hard to shake, especially when it's aggressively structurally and socially reinforced.)
(And I don't have a better word for it.)
Part of it right now, I think, is that I'm entirely without the routine and structural/social supports that make masking easier. I can mirror; and that has some spillover EF benefits.
Right now, it's just me, and I feel like liquid without a container.
Right now, it's just me, and I feel like liquid without a container.
That structure is also insulation; and without it, I'm snagging on things that I could have moved through or past before.
(Thinking in particular with some things I'm struggling hard with at Day!Job and have no idea how to address in a useful way WRT things like accommodations.)
(Thinking in particular with some things I'm struggling hard with at Day!Job and have no idea how to address in a useful way WRT things like accommodations.)
It's not that my actual abilities are degrading or have degraded. I'm sharp as hell; I'm just much, much less capable of accommodating ableism.
That's what it is, really.
Being able to effectively pretend that I'm not Autistic or downplay it is getting harder; and, unfortunately, that's a critical skill in most jobs.
Being able to effectively pretend that I'm not Autistic or downplay it is getting harder; and, unfortunately, that's a critical skill in most jobs.
