[Thread/PSA] Muslims in our communities would benefit if we all stopped recommending people (usually guys) for marriage on the basis of their occupation, ethnicity, and age alone. This phenomenon highlights the grotesqueness of our priorities and contributes to bad relationships.

I’ve been approached numerous times about helping someone (usually a dude) find someone to marry, with the only provided information be something like “he’s 28, doctor, completing residency in [not my city], from [country]. looking for a traditional girl maybe 22-24." What?

Whenever I press the middle (wo)man on the things that form the substance of marriage—are they kind, are they truthful, do they value their relationship with God, are they nice to look at—they either don’t have this information or are upset that I asked. What can I do with that?

You would never marry someone based on their age and earning potential alone—I certainly didn't. Why would I put a girl I know in a position to speak to a guy about marriage when I know barely anything useful about him? Bring him to me.

I want to clarify that (a) a person’s ability to provide for their family IS important and (b) many of these people are probably perfectly nice. But many of them aren’t, and the fact that you can’t speak to their (or your own!) character is a bad start.

We must accept that people who are successful or respected in their community have the capacity to be abusers, liars, cheaters, and more. Prospects for marriage should include—at minimum—character references which will be thoroughly re-interrogated later by discerning adults.

May God grant openings to all those who are sincerely seeking love and companionship, especially the kind-hearted and gentle from among us, and relief to those in difficult marriages. Ameen.