it’s 3 am and all i can think about are tension-bodies how y’all doin

and how trauma, both in your lifetime and generational, lives in your cells

and how sometimes i can feel tightness shift throughout my body, depending on what’s being triggered

i can work myself into believing that i *am* tension, instead of i am *feeling* tense. i carry tension with me. i am kate (whatever the fuck that means) i am not my trauma. it’s a shitty backpack, it’s not myself.

but! in the moment? who can tell!

when you think that you are tension, there is no release. it buries into your muscle until you don’t know anything different. there’s no other way to live.

which is all to say......kate. listen to your body. tend to it. it’s not a place of fear and shame.

tension needs release and is not necessarily bad! tension is a juicy part of living!

but it can fester without a balance

tension has kept me alive, and my body is doing what it can to survive. i’ve forgiven my body, and forgiven myself for hating it.

oooooo doggie letting go of coping mechanisms with trauma is a silly bitch. i keep asking myself what i gain from keeping it around. got some ideas, will tell to my cat.

(also side note this thread has some cartesian dualism which i don’t agree with but that’s a whole other thing) (making this note for myself)