Hello from fresh-from-counselling-Anneli, I just wanted to share some thoughts because I made some really big breakthroughs in my counselling session today and none of this is one size fits all but domestic violence victims are seriously under supported, so I wanted to share...

Something I untangled in counselling today was my feelings around decision making. People LOVE to give advice. People won't hesitate to step forward with their take on things, even if they aren't particularly well informed or in a position to advise, they'll "give it a go"

Advice can be deeply problematic for abuse survivors, especially those who have been controlled by their abusers or punished for exercising their free will. A lot of abusers systematically remove their victims right to choose for themselves, whatever that may look like for them.

So to suddenly be free from immediate abuse and to be back in a world full of choices and decisions to make can be overwhelming and intimidating, and it certainly was for me.

Every decision still felt like a test and that making the "wrong" choice could still lead to punishment.

When I was out of the abusive relationship, I couldn't make decisions unless they were approved by other people first. Choosing incorrectly had resulted in scary shit for me and I
was conditioned to be afraid of making choices.

So I polled people relentlessly.

I called just about everyone that I knew and asked their opinion on EVERYTHING. And I made some decisions that were drastically different to those I had set out to make, without even realising it.

I didn't go to University because one of the people in my life didn't want me to go. I believed that they didn't want me to go SO MUCH that I would risk losing that person, if I had gone. So I didn't go. I made that HUGE decision in my life based on someone else's advice.

The thing with taking advice is, you are the person who has to live with the choices you make. If someone else makes that decision for you, you still have to live with it and, if it wasn't what you wanted in the first place, there's added resentment.

It's so easy to mistrust your own instincts, especially if you've had an intimate abusive relationship. Not only has your abuser worked hard to remove your autonomy, but you also might have chosen them as a partner or friend in the first place. How can you trust yourself now?

Well, I don't have the answers yet. Sorry. But I am consciously working on making my own decisions without the input of others and I would encourage you to try it too, just to see if it feels right for you. Ultimately, you do know what's best for you.

As long as your decisions aren't directly hurting you or others (i.e. if your actions are harmful, it doesn't count if they are "hurt" because they don't like your choices), then you should just do what you want to do. Your right to choose was stolen from you, take it back!!

I just wanted to add that this isn't necessarily the fault of advice givers. They might think they're giving normal, run of the mill advice, but an abuse survivor might hear "the consequences will be severe, if you don't do what I want you to do"