was reminded of my ex and my last trip to see her very suddenly and am struggling a bit!!

it was very hard for me to leave. but i had to put my own mental and physical wellbeing first

she— knowing that being in a foreign city with no idea of when i would be able to go home reminds me of being trafficked— told me she would “literally die” if i left. she continued to try to guilt me into staying

and then when i got home she called furious and demanded that i apologize to her for leaving. because i was killing her, she said. “you get that we are in reconciliation mode, right?”

what the fuck

one of us needed to apologize in that situation and it sure as hell was not me

i told her “after some of the things you said to me im not sure i want to be in reconciliation mode”. i always had to choose my words so carefully around her because she would leap to the WORST possible conclusion from literally anything

she did a complete 180. didnt even ask me what the things were. didnt ask how she could apologize or what she should do differently. just told me that she would change and she’d never do it again

from the point i walked out the door of her hotel room in NJ i was trying to extricate myself delicately from the situation

but then realized that was impossible as she would try to get back to her previous status in my life any way she could

it was hard blocking her everywhere but it would have been even harder keeping her in my life

anyway. just needed to talk a bit about this. thank you for listening

also. if she finds out i tweeted about this and turns defensive/vindictive i would like to get this out of the way

yes, i blocked her while she was in prison. yes, i acknowledge that was a dick move. no, i do not feel guilty about it

was it a dick move? yes. was it something i had to do? also yes

my priority in life has to be my own health and wellbeing

i dont know. it was a dick move and i would probably go about things differently if i could redo it but i saw an out and i took it. i was scared

ok. that is all. im not going to name names but if youve been following me for a bit you probably know who im talking about. and yeah there were areas i fucked up too. not gonna pretend i was perfect. but. i just wanted to get this all out

there is more that was fucked up about our relationship but i dont really want to talk about it yet. maybe someday. definitely not at 1.41 AM though