Just tried fixing contact while eating a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. This may be the dumbest injury.

I’m hurting... BAD.

Wife banged on bathroom door, told a white lie to buy some time.. something about a light bulb.

Will update as more information is available. 1/

Eye wash with water (sink) was a futile attempt to stem the horrific burning sensation.

Contact removed.

Just googled, “pepper in eyes milk wash?” Learning a lot. Milk is not the answer.

Rubbing vigorously is my only relief. Going to inform my spouse, this is risky 2/

Explanation of lengthy bathroom stay not well received (two kids under 5 yrs.).

My physical state, however, is proof that I’m in some level of imperilment.

Met with sharp line of questions... none steeped in concern.

“Is there a warning on the bag?”

I’m moved to action. 3/

Dead end.

The bag offered no direction. Admittedly, I’m now interested to learn more about ‘PepCoin’

...I muse audibly, “Maybe we should sign up?”

My wife’s patience is exhausted. She reminds me, “I have enough children already.”

I’m alone, half blind, but determined.
4/

I want to take a moment to clear the air about something...

I don’t typically eat in the restroom.

It has become my daily routine since the pandemic began to come home, disrobe from “work clothes”, and shower.

but today was different... 5/

When I arrived home I did a cursory cleanout... just reached under carseats for detritus and discarded toys.

To my surprise, the Flamin’ Hots were just... there.

I don’t bother with ‘how?’ or ‘why?’ when the divine intervenes with life. I accept, genuflect, and move on. 6/

The unexpected Cheetos (which should be the name of a punk rock band) became a pre-shower snack which leads back to my current sitch...

I’m becoming good at pooling water in cupped hands while holding my eye open underwater.

We humans are remarkably dexterous. 7/