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I took the last 2 weeks off of working because being a therapist during a pandemic and social uprising is a lot to deal with. Today is my first day back to working and I'm just pre-emptively exhausted. I love what I do, and I love working with most of my clients. It's just a lot.
I think I'm also struggling because I've been coming to terms with the reality that the US mismanagement of this pandemic means we've got another year or two of this stuff to deal with. And I live alone, and I'm single, and I get human touch maybe once a month.
I'm a huge extrovert, and touch is my primary love language, and the reality is that I'm not going to get my social and touch needs met in a reliable way for quite a while. That means I'm doing my work supporting others while personally under-resourced. And it's not changing.
Getting my adorable dog, Jojo, has been helpful in a lot of ways. I get out of my apartment now every day, I'm walking regularly instead of just sitting on the couch, I get so much love from her and she cuddles me non-stop. And it's not the same, and it's not enough.
We're all struggling right now. I'm incredibly fortunate in a lot of ways: I'm still making decent money, I'm white, I have health care. And I'm also a disabled non-binary/trans queer person living alone. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm struggling.
The kind of work I do is really necessary right now, and at the same time my capacity isn't what it was before all this started. Every therapist I know is struggling right now and trying to find a way to do more to help others while being worse and worse off themselves.
Right now, I have availability to see 12 clients a week. I might need to cut that down to 10 or less. And that really sucks. I just don't know what else to do. I can't keep draining myself so much if I'm going to make it in the long run.
So, for those reading, take a look at yourself too. Are you trying to do more than you can? Are you figuring out what your limits are? One of the most helpful things I was told by @shrinkthinks was that our capacity doesn't expand simply because things are hard.
Yours doesn't either. We're all working with less and less. None of these situations (pandemic, struggle against white supremacy, ableism, transphobia) are short term. So take a long hard look at yourself and see if you're actually working within your own capacity.
And if you're feeling hopeless and ready to just say "fuck it," I get it. This is so much. That feeling is a sign to figure out how to replenish yourself, not a sign that it's time to double down or throw caution to the wind. Figure out what you need to replenish yourself.
For those of us who are queer, trans, disabled, BIPOC, and other marginalized groups, our continued existence is part of our activism. You need to take care of yourself and make it through this. Your life is important. We need you here. So take care of yourself.
Here's a video of Jojo from this morning. She was so excited rolling around just before this video that she accidentally fell off the bed, lol.
