Thread by @domansheridan, So I only really started getting into the Smash community at the [...]

So I only really started getting into the Smash community at the start of 2020. Before that, I really just played with a few friends that I knew from other online spaces, like -- I knew them from an online tabletop group at first.

I started for two reasons:

- I finally listened to a coworker (even though by the time I started, he was only involved with Melee, and I was only involved with Ultimate).
- A TO retweeted something that made it clear how welcoming they'd be to players of all skill levels.

This isn't about either of them, to be clear!

This is just to illustrate that I've been on the fence about expressing an opinion because I'm so relatively new to that scene, because it might not be my lane. My experience at my local scene has been nothing but great.

One of my other concerns about starting was -- well, I've strongly suspected that I'm some kind of neurodivergent. I just got diagnosed and treated for ADHD a little under two months ago, and if I had to guess, Tourette's Syndrome (tics and stimming) and I fall somewhere on ASD.

So when I start to interact with a group that's new to me, I don't have prior data on their social norms and etiquette. I'm aware of this, at least -- and I stay very reserved until I feel like I've gotten a read on the group.

Sometimes I'll even ask questions if I perceive that it's okay to ask, something along the lines of "Hey, what's like ... etiquette around here? Anything I should know to avoid looking stupid?"

Just some kind of explicitly-stated hint can go a long way in this regard.

I don't think every neurodivergent person is as aware as I try to be, though. They might carry over behavior into a new group that another group finds acceptable but this new group would find weird. Usually it's benign stuff, like inside jokes that no one present would get.

Sometimes they might come off as creepy.

This is where it gets murky, because being neurodivergent doesn't automatically absolve them of responsibility or consequences for their actions.

If they're being inappropriately flirty or forward and they *persist* in that behavior after someone has explicitly made it clear to them that the behavior is unacceptable and unwanted, disciplinary action by the TOs is totally justified.

But if they just seem off or awkward or socially inept, they're probably just like me and don't know how to handle themselves yet. They just need a gentle nudge in the right direction. "Hey, man, you don't need to fistbump your opponent after every single game," or similar.

(On the other hand, if it's an act that's egregious enough, I don't think any leniency should be applied. I can't imagine they wouldn't have prior knowledge that, for example, coercion or assault are unacceptable regardless of context.)

Unintentionality isn't exclusive to neurodivergent people, mind you. Unintentionality isn't a shield against consequences or responsibility. I confronted a friend I've known for over a decade about a persistent pattern in their behavior that I only found about just recently.

Sometimes abuse is calculated -- meticulously thought-out and planned. Other times, like with my friend, it's born out of impulse. At the time, he justified his emotional abuse by how he was feeling then and how much he wanted some validation. It was still abuse.

I brought up what I knew to him. There was only one case where I knew he did something wrong, but it was one case over 13 years or so. I had no idea it was part of a larger pattern until sometime last year. Other people hated him, but I didn't see why.

But once I found out, I grappled with a few questions, still. I wasn't sure if it was made-up, a rumor concocted and spread by someone who was previously involved with him. Their relationship ended poorly and they were both terrible to each other. It seemed plausible.

No victim ever came forward, they just quietly left. People that were really well-liked in the community. I never knew how to reach out and ask what happened, they just vanished without any way to contact them.

And to my face, when this stuff was first happening in like 2011/2012, my friend was cavalier about it, dismissing it all as a joke that someone had made about their character in the roleplay setting for that community. He either genuinely didn't know or ... did, but deflected.

I keep looking back and wondering how else I would have detected it earlier. Maybe one case is enough to establish a pattern, and I should have been more direct with him right then and there instead of simply arranging for him and his harassment victim to not interact again.

Maybe the fact that I felt that I had to do that was indicative of "missing stair" behavior -- stuff people in a friend circle know is wrong with a person but they navigate around it instead of directly addressing it. "Okay, just going to separate my friend and my sister. Cool."

I'm sure other people might have their blind spots when it comes to detecting and addressing unacceptable behaviors of sexual and emotional abuse in their communities, namely the Smash community. Take a bit to examine any you might have.

My first instinct with my friend, for instance, was to just brush it off and attribute it to any number of other factors, and when stuff came to light, I was stunned that I had missed it.

Except I didn't miss it, upon further reflection.

My defense of him was never conscious, I never thought "wow I need to cover this up because he's my friend." But I hadn't thought about it critically enough.

I worry that my approach might also be too gentle. I can't ever be sure if he's genuinely recalcitrant or if it's just a narrative he's selling me.

Given my circumstances, I think I'm going to be more sympathetic to "oh I didn't know, sorry," just out of habit and bias.

But at least, by confronting him, the seal's broken now. If he keeps messing up, ignorance is not an excuse anymore.

I just wish I'd realized sooner.

And when the dust settles, I want people to think -- to REALLY think -- and look at themselves and their groups and not immediately think they've achieved victory, that they've ousted every abuser.

It's hard, y'all, and requires a huge shift from the norm.

You can never 100% accurately sort people into safe or unsafe categories.

I'm tired of neurodivergent people getting demonized for just being a little awkward because they keep their eyes too wide or they don't keep eye contact, and people read that as suspicious because it's body language that they often can't help.

While the neurotypical (or neurotypical-passing, at least) who don't seem like they have anything wrong with them tend to go free and mostly unnoticed.

Increased scrutiny in the Smash community going forward is understandable. Let it be for the correct signs.

Don't shortcut me as "safe" because I made this thread, either, or anyone else speaking out.

I'm reminded of a character in Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter" -- Reverend Dimmesdale. Spoiler warning, he was the other adulterer.

He literally tried to confess his sin to the public during a sermon, but the crowd didn't get it, and they thought he was just trying to be humble and down-to-earth, that he was acknowledging all have sinned and he's no better because he's a holy man.

The crowd applauded him while they continued to revile the woman who they *knew* was involved, the woman who they forced to wear her shame publicly, the bearer of the titular scarlet letter.

Remain critical of everyone, and don't write them off as safe just because they can eloquently speak on the topic, myself included.

I haven't done anything, to my knowledge. I'm not the Reverend in this case. I just don't want his camouflage.

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