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tw/abuse and self harm
I dont really like talking about this and i rarely do but its been on my mind so much in the last couple of days that i kinda want to get it out and i cant to my irls so here it is
I dont really like talking about this and i rarely do but its been on my mind so much in the last couple of days that i kinda want to get it out and i cant to my irls so here it is
since i was a little girl i have been abused physically by my father and somehow it was always my fault. i didn& #39;t eat so he hurt me, i didn& #39;t go to bed and he hurt me and so on and it always always always was my fault somehow. my mother told me so and my father told me so and
i guess after a while i started believing it, years went by and this abuse continued and it passed onto my brother to who is 7 years younger than me. i have always tried to protect him from the abuse and tried to direct my fathers and after a while my mothers abusive attention
onto myself so he wouldnt get hurt, and when i was 13 i realized the only thing keeping me in this world was the urge to protect my brother and after that i did everything in my power to do so and sometime si was harsh with him and sometimes i broke his heart but i always
justified it somehow i guess on some point that makes me worse than my parents this torture ended the day my parent divorced. i was 14 and i felt so free and good about it until 3 weeks later my mother came home with the news of their rekindled relationship and a bun in the oven
i thought that this baby would be a miracle, i thought he would solve everything wrong with our lives but i was naive the abuse started again and this time it was making me have these horrible thoughts that i couldnt stop, i thought maybe if i wasnt there the abuse wouldnt go on
again that was stupid and i know that now but i didnt then and again and again i convinced myself i had to stay for the baby and my brother and i did i fought so hard and gave so much of myself and still i was the guity one still they blamed me and after a while my brother
started to blame me too and i think that was what broke me then the miracle baby came and i had so much hope and i was proven somehwhat wrong again because the physical abuse stopped it just stopped and i felt alive again and 2 years passed with barely any harm but then my
parents started fighting and it was violent and i did all i could to protect my brothers which i think now let my middle brother to hate me even more than our parents the abuse has been mostly gone for the bigger part of a year now and sometimes i truly believe theyve changed but
then my father tells me to "just kill yourself already" or "why dont you slit your wrists" and i go back to thinking about those horrible thoughts because if my own parent dont want me why am i alive? and today this horrible terrible thing happened that completely broke me
my middle brother told me that he hated our youngest brother and that he had never wanted to be a brother and i dont know why but my heart couldnt handle it ive devoted my life to those two babies and they dont even want me to be their sister or to be each others brother and idk
oh god i dont know why i just wrote down my life story im sorry if i triggered any of you and im sorry i terrorized your tl the point of this thread was im tired of living
