Shortly before I left London I went into the toilets in the Whitgift Centre in Croydon and saw someone dressed in a cheap Ronald McDonald costume, balancing themselves on a sink with a camcorder on a tripod and a karaoke track of Annie Lennox's Why playing on a bluetooth speaker.

"What the hell is this?" I asked. The kid in a clown costume explained he was trying to do his coursework for Art GCSE, said he was doing a video art installation. Since he was clearly struggling, coupled with the fact I hadn't been allowed to do creative GCSEs, I offered to help

I set up the tripod, helped him get up on the sink, played the karaoke track from the right point etc. Then he swiveled the hand drier round so it faced upwards, pulled down his trousers, pressed the 'on' button and shat inside it. He'd obviously taken an enema as it was liquidy.

Heated diarrhoea sprayed out like a bioweapon. His clown costume took the brunt of it (deserved) but some still arched over his head and rained down on me. I was absolutely speechless. I washed myself off as best I could whilst avoiding eye contact, and walked out. Disgusting.

Anyway I looked him up earlier today because I saw an account mentioning this now quite notorious GCSE coursework and it turns out his parents are brexit-voting holiday home owners. Absolutely typical!