CW: Rowling Depression drugs alcohol disordered eating suicidal ideation
In Reference to the recent flareup of conversation dismissing the use of antidepressants,I am someone who has gotten through depression without drugs and I’m going to talk about what that was like,

And what we are asking people to do when we ask them to go without drugs. I’m sharing this with the caveat that this was my experience, other people’s experiences with depression look different. And I was offered drugs repeatedly and consistently chose not to take them.

We will start with mornings. I woke up every morning tired, Devastated that I should’ve woken up at all. There were usually tears because I wanted so badly to not wake up. Sometimes I have made it to my bed the night before, usually not.

Walking up the stairs knowing that I would most likely have to walk back down them again in the morning just took too much energy to manage. And every morning, all the time really, I was cold. Even in the midst of summer when My skin was drenched in sweat I was cold

In my bones and I could not get warm. This went on for months, most of a year. Everything I did took 10 times the energy out of me so mostly, I didn’t do things. That included things like showering, dishes, work, paying my bills, I fed and walked the animals And resented

How much work it was. Things I did do, drink, mostly red wine, not because I wanted to get drunk but because I wanted to make myself hurt. Red wine give me migraines. Migraines bad enough can give you a stroke or a seizure. I was alone in my house. If I didn’t come through it,

It would be no one’s fault or responsibility, just a tragic accident. And I also ate, mostly food I hated, until I felt ready to vomit. But I wouldn’t let myself do that. The pain of forcing myself to keep down food my body didn’t want, of punishing myself,

Let me focus on being physically uncomfortable and Gave me a distraction from the constant litany that was my brain telling me I was worthless. That the people I loved didn’t know it but they would feel much happier when I was dead.

And that I was responsible for making it an accident because I didn’t deserve their guilt. The least I could do was make the mourning easier so they could get on with the business of having better lives without me. This was my life for a year. Checking on me

Taking care of me, reminding me over and over again that I mattered, that was the life my friends and partners had for a year. After a very long time, I got my hands on some psychotropic drugs. Microdose for six weeks. It gave me just enough room in my brain to breathe.

I do not know if I would have suffered less with antidepressants. Quite possibly. But I would not ask anyone who thinks they will help to forgo them because I think they can get through depression without them. I would not wish my lost year on anyone for a principal.

I am OK now. It was a hard year, it was also a couple of years ago. I made it through but lots of people don’t. Sometimes, drugs save people.