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(TW) having an immigrant parent, being a woman, being gay, being mentally ill is Hard but i have never faced anything harder than accepting my body and its place in our culture. I can’t even use the f word without a very specific context or I get an overwhelming amount of anxiety
It controls me 99.9% of the time. I can’t run in the grocery store without wearing baggy clothes bc of how much shame I have. I can’t talk to my friends bc none of them understand first hand and I have too much shame to talk about it to begin with even if they did
I can’t eat in front of people bc I fear judgement of ANY kind. I’ve only just started to feel comfortable eating something in my own home on a call with my friends. I can’t talk about eating food my brain seems as unhealthy bc I think everyone will think I’m disgusting
I say im vegan when I’m honestly more like 95% vegan bc once in a while I let myself have food w dairy or eggs in it and I allow it bc I’m scared of my eating disorder taking over my life but I can’t be open about the vegan thing bc I fear people will call me the f word
If ANYTHING bad happens to me I’m convinced it’s bc of my body and blame everything on it. I’m convinced I deserve the bad bc of it too and it took me years to get to this point where I’m ok with that but I still feel like I know it’s bc of how I look
I would say the culture around body combined with all the things in this thread caused my eating disorder which is ironic bc I also felt for a LONG time that if I wasn’t skinny I couldn’t have one and it took so much effort and self educating and a therapist for me to even accept
I cant talk about body positivity or shaming without feeling sick bc I automatically feel insecure and like I’m drawing attention to my body which goes back to the overwhelming anxiety and shame which I’m feeling as I type this out but ik i won’t send plus I’m trying to deal w it
I have an irrational fear of sweating bc of how much I associate it w the f word and so I don’t let myself sweat like I wear clothes to hide sweat and won’t eat before going out with friends and drink iced drinks and the list goes on
I can’t wear a bathing suit or shorts and for a long time even t shirts bc of how scary it is for me to know my friends or family will see my body
I can’t go in a gym/ let anyone see me work out and idk why maybe it’s the sweat thing maybe it’s bc it draws attention to my body or a million other reasons but I can’t even walk in/through without feeling extremely anxious
I always assume people don’t like me bc of my body and when they do I’m genuinly surprised like my friends will tell me their parents love me and I’m the fav of their friends to their parents all the time and I just ????? never get it ?????? like don’t u think I’m gross ??????
I can’t walk slow bc people might think I’m just lazy or sluggish and again I don’t want to be judged it just scares me like I’m just always scared
I can’t walk through the ice cream or frozen food or chips or candy isle in a store without feeling super scared like people are judging me so I generally just don’t and if I want ANYTHING even a little unhealthy I extremely compensate with healthy food or make my bro buy it
I think it’s the reason I was closeted for so bc I’ve never seen anyone of my body type be sexually interested in anyone and when they are they’re made fun of or rejected or don’t even get to that point bc the other person is out of their league
adding to that women are constantly over sexualized by the media but when there is representation that isn’t overly sexualized it’s of skinny girls and when ur not a skinny girl ur disgusting and gross OR ur some white dudes fetish he keeps on the DL bc it’s disgusting and gross
my grandma tells me that I can’t lose weight bc I’m vegan and it’s like I didn’t ask first of all like who said I wanted to lose weight also tell me why vegans are stereotyped as skinny bony malnourished ppl then huh like just leave me be please
I’ve considered getting a cocaine addiction to be skinny which I know is so insensitive to addicts but my head just tells me being an addict is better than not being skinny but even if I wanted to I couldn’t find it or afford it LMAO
I smoke which I thought would make me skinny but it didn’t lol so now I just have a nicotine addiction for nothing
I’ve lost so much weight eating extremely restrictively and purging which I received so much fucking praise for even tho I was killing myself that I DESTROYED my metabolism so now normal amounts of food makes me gain weight which is so much scarier than it seems
I keep clothes that are too small bc one day I hope they’ll fit me and now most of my closet doesn’t fit bc of how much I’ve kept and (a lot of it new I bought too small) and my biggest fear is giving it to a friend and it being so big on them they have to throw it away
lending my clothes to my friends I don’t mind doing but when I see that it’s big on them it destroys me and it’s even worse when they comment on it and maybe they’re even making fun of themself for being skinny or something but GOD it’s one of the most painful situations
I can’t leave my house if I eat what my brain deems as too large of a breakfast bc I convince myself that everyone will know and think I’m gross and I get paranoid I’ll sweat or be hot in front of people so I isolate myself
I’m constantly scared of little things like seatbelts not fitting or not fitting in a chair which is stupid bc I’ve never actually dealt with one of these issues but knowing I’ll be publically shameful is horrifying
I know everyone goes through a lot of this stuff but like I just needed to let it out bc I think a lot of people don’t understand how traumatizing the media/society/family is to people who aren’t average or skinny like I’ve never even actually been bullied and this
completely controls my life I think about it all day every day and in almost every situation. I can’t even go through a drive through without feeling like the people inside are laughing at me even if I only get a Diet Coke or something
