So I *know* I never shut up about my partner & that we’re like next-level disgusting 99% of the time but today I verbalized the way I feel about that in a way that hit my heart, a way I *believe*, & I want to share it:

I’m allowed. If anyone is allowed, I am allowed. We are.

(TW: sexual assault, abuse, mental illness, & suicidal ideation in this thread)

I’ve been through absolute hell in relationships & sex. From being 14 & too young to know to stop my boyfriend fingering me in a room full of male friends to being 20 & waking up with bruised wrists after my boyfriend gripped me till my hands went numb during a panic attack.

I’ve been raped one time each by three people, at 15, 17, & 21. I was raped countless times from 17 to 19 by a boyfriend who also burned me on purpose & during our relationship punched his own mother in the face. He “cheated on me” while I was away at college by raping others.

My last partner left me because I have PTSD & couldn’t handle it, though he would never in a million years admit it. That relationship ended in December & I thought: “Thank god, I’m going to really, really heal this time, really fix myself enough to be worthy of love.”

& then I met D. Less than two months in, before we’d even discussed being “official,” I called them from my kitchen, bleeding badly enough to need stitches, because I’d self harmed during a horrific somatic flashback. They made one of the scariest nights of my life safe & okay.

They have not, will not, cannot “fix” me. They’ve shown me I don’t need to be fixed, just loved & held & held accountable & helped. They also have PTSD, we have somewhat similar horrors in our pasts, & they understand even when they don’t directly relate.

I’m loud about being happy because I’ve never, ever been this happy. I’ve never been treated with this level of respect. I’ve never had a partner to whom consent matters so much. I’ve never had a partner to whom my PTSD is a facet & not an expiration date on our relationship.

& even more than that, we’re best friends. They make me laugh twenty times a day, every day. They show me amazing art & movies & music & shows & they throw themself into loving what I show them in return. They see disagreements & conflict as a team challenge.

It feels so good to yell about this on Twitter & everywhere else because THIS FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. So, so, so much of my life has been about gritting my teeth & surviving & this is the first time that has ever truly lifted & I’m gonna yell & yell & post about the tandem bike