So I'm going to be completely honest and I've never really told people what happened when I found out about Wonho leaving MX. Because I feel like it's important for people to see how badly it all affected some of us and why we still hold hope for him going back to them.

So I am pagan and consider myself an empath because I have always felt others emotions very strongly I tend to notice really big shifts in energy. And because of the fact I live in the Midwest of the United States the time that it happened was very late at night for me.

To say I woke up out of a dead sleep crying is an understatement. When I woke up I knew something was wrong and everything in me told me I needed to check Twitter immediately. I have no idea why I felt that way but I did. And when I saw the news my whole world crashed around me.

Because what a lot of people don't know is I found Monsta X in a time of my life where are I felt I had nothing to live for. *I'm sorry I should have put a trigger warning but I didn't think of it beforehand.* But I had just moved home after losing everything.

I had been living with someone and they chose their drug abuse problems over us having a roof over our heads even though I was working more than full-time trying to keep us afloat. And I felt like a failure even though I knew it wasn't my fault.

I was in a really low point in my life and even though I've been struggling with mental health problems from a really young age it was completely different than any other thing I've been through and my life hasn't exactly been a cakewalk.

Now something that has always gotten me through rough patches is music. I've had music involved in my life through every stage. And both of my parents love music and I was really involved in it in school because it makes me happy and feel free.

The day I got into K-pop I can genuinely say is probably one of the happiest memories of the last 15 years of my life. And I will forever tell everyone that Monsta X's Hero will forever be my favorite song on their whole discography.

You see my cousin was into K-pop before me and she had sent me a short video of in NCT's Cherry bomb performance months before and I was having a really bad day and remembered it I wanted to find it and see the whole video. And after watching it, hero was the next suggested song

And yes I had enjoyed Cherry bomb but when I say. Within watching hero ONE time, I knew for a fact that I absolutely needed to know who the members of the group were..... Shownu's facial expressions had dragged me into kpop kicking and screaming. And I couldn't wait.

Within a couple hours I had watched every music video that they had put out so far and watched most of the first season of Monsta x ray. I had all their names memorized I knew that I wanted to see them perform someday. 100% I had never cared about going to concerts before that.

Something about their music and their personalities made me genuinely feel alive. And I hadn't felt that way in so long. I saw all the times they talked about their own mental health and it made me feel less alone. And then I discovered the whole aspect of fandoms.

And the family I found within the monbebe fandom has been like none other. Here's some of the kindest and most loving people in the world and they all love the same artists I do. And then seeing how much love the boys show us, is on a different level than any other group.

So que me meeting my ex.. and he then went and bought me all of we are here and are you there when it came out and I was so happy to finally have started my collection.. and then for my 21st birthday we drove 8 hours to Chicago to see the boys last summer.

And I've been to a lot of concerts in my life but I have never felt as safe in a crowded place as I did at the venue especially as someone who has horrible anxiety. All I could feel was excitement and anticipation and the love we all felt towards the boys even my ex could feel it

That night was probably one of the top four best moments of my entire life. There's probably not very many things in my opinion that could top the way I felt that night. And that's why I bought a ticket to see them this summer too but covid stole that. Anyways.

So cut to me losing my job in September stuff started getting really bad again. But then a friend "I thought at the time" asked me to move in with her until I got back on my feet and I took the opportunity. And I moved 40 minutes away from my family..

Now keep in mind throughout all of this I had dragged my sister into K-pop along with me so she could feel the joy I did and at this point we're huge multis but now we have to text each other about new K-pop things instead of actually getting to talk face to face.

And then that night happened. I shot up out of sleep and I knew something was wrong. When I opened Twitter I physically felt the breath leave my body like I had been punched in the stomach. Because here is one of the seven people that make my world brightest, suffering.

I started crying so loudly I woke up my roommate and then spent the next six hours unable to stop. Because I had seen that with all the great things about K-pop I had also seen what negative publicity like this could do to someone. And I was really scared.