I was raised to believe that marrying a man in the temple and raising children w/ him was the best thing that could happen to me. It was the way to be happy.

On the other hand, never finding a man to marry in the temple was the worst thing that could happen to me.

It& #39;s overwhelming when I think about how many messages I received that told me that single (Mormon) women were lonely, unfulfilled, & miserable. I heard stories abt single women begging God for a husband and asking what was wrong with them. Sometimes from these women themselves.

When I was abt 11, I decided that if my life turned out that way I would not feel the way those women did. (A weird angle of internalized misogyny.) Of course, I wanted a husband and family. I wanted that life, but if it didn& #39;t happen I would be ~absolutely fine.

I used to think this resolution came as a result of fear of vulnerability/desire. I didn& #39;t want to admit how much it would hurt if it didn& #39;t happen so I planned for an alternative scenario.

Now, I& #39;m wondering if I was afraid of it that "dream" coming true.

In the church, happiness is not so much a feeling as a way of life. Happiness is often understood as what you do rather than what you feel. "Doing the right thing" is happiness.

Re-imagining what happiness could look like is hard & good.