how to help people with bpd: a thread

*disclaimer: i'm not a professional and just one person, everyone with bpd is different so not all of this will help everyone. always ask before helping to make sure it's wanted/needed* 1/

the first and most important thing to do when someone tells you they have bpd is to tell them you support them and don't think any less of them, it can be difficult to tell others because of the stigma so its incredibly helpful to be reassured. 2/

you can also familiarise yourself with the disorder. i always direct people to this mind page as i think it gives a good unbias overview of it but if you can do further research it can be useful as the feelings can be hard to explain. 3/ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

another way to find out more is to join groups on facebook/other social media that are made for people with bpd but allow supportive friends and family to join. you are always going to learn more from people who actually experience the disorder than others. 4/

especially if the person has had the diagnosis for a while they may already know what kind of support they need from other people so a good place to start is to just ask the person if theres anything you can do. some wont know tho so it can be good to have some suggestions 5/

bpd can cause an intense fear of abandonment so your friend might need a lot of reassurance that you dont hate them & arent going to leave them. tell them they can feel comfortable asking for this reassurance when they need it and you wont get mad & offer reassurance regularly 6/

it is possible you will become someone's favourite person (fp). this means they will rely on you for reassurance, their mood may depend on interactions with you, & they might get jealous of your other relationships. this might seem overwhelming and like a lot of responsibility 7/

if they tell you you're their fp or you think you might be the best thing for you and them will be to set clear boundaries, for example, if you can't respond to messages bc of work tell them "between 9am and 5pm i'm at work so cant reply to you, i will reply as soon as i can" 8/

most importantly just try not to get mad if they want to talk to you a lot or need constant reassurance that you still like them but also don't feel bad about setting boundaries if you need to. these feelings usually fade but it will take different amounts of time for everyone 9/

bpd moods can see overdramatic & unnecessary but its important to take us seriously whether it seems like an appropriate reaction or not. validate our feelings & tell us its okay to feel like that. its not helpful to anyone to tell us we're being overdramatic ad to calm down 10/

cw: self harm / alcohol /

people with bpd may have self destructive behaviours, this might be self harming, excessively drinking, having unsafe sex or something else. these might be more likely to happen during extremely high or low moods 11/

you can offer a safe place for the person to go to if theyre feeling the urge to be self destructive, distractions can be really effective (eg i have someone that sends me pictures of frogs to calm me down) but ultimately theres only so much you can do to protect someone 12/

if the person does do something the best thing to do is offer unjudgmental support. this could b telling them they're not a bad person or practical things like providing first aid, going with them to get an STI test or helping draft messages to others explaining what happened 13/

another common symptom is unstable self image/sense of self. outwardly this may mean frequent changes in appearance (eg hair colour, clothing, or makeup), changes in career goals, or changes in identity labels (like sexuality) 14/

its so SO important to respect all these changes and take them seriously. when we change something its because we genuinely mean it and you shouldn't assume its a phase just bc we have bpd. be openly supportive of our goals and identity as you would if it was anyone else. 15/

there's no shame in admitting you dont know how to deal with something, if the person is going through something you dont know how to help with sometimes it can be more helpful to say you dont know what to do than to do the wrong thing 16/

however, if you don't know how to help its important to still remind the person that you support them and aren't leaving them because it can sometimes feel like abandonment and if they're already struggling it might be hard to understand what you actually mean. 17/

if they want to seek out professional treatment, whatever form that may be in, offer to go with them to appointments even if its just to sit in the waiting room. it can be scary to get this help and often isn't straight forward so having a good support system is important 18/

you can also offer to advocate for them in appointments, if they have trouble explaining their experiences or remembering things you can be there to help explain or if they struggle to stand up to doctors when they disagree you can back them up 19/

ask the person if they know any common triggers for them or try to figure out if theres any (eg being hungry is a big trigger for me). then you can help avoid the trigger or will know how to help when they are triggered by that thing 20/

if the person is extremely distressed you might need to help them calm down and make sure they're safe before addressing the trigger as bringing it up might make the situation worse. 21/

ultimately, just make sure they know you support them and try to be patient with us. our needs will change and what helped yesterday might not help today. look after yourself too and set boundaries when you need to. 22/

i hope this thread has helped and if you have bpd feel free to reply with what helps you or if there's anything you think i've missed bc i definitely haven't covered everything 23/23