Yesterday, for the first time in 4 months, I went to the cinema. I want to share how different this previously normal experience now is…

At the entrance you complete a short interview with a member of staff wearing full PPE, your answers to these questions determine whether you are refused entry, free to roam or require a chaperone.

Ranj was a surprisingly friendly and kind chaperone and helped me make sense of the whole experience.

Once inside everything feels familiar yet different. The popcorn seems around double the size, hot dogs come with brown sauce only and there’s a mysterious new chocolate called Banterz Bitez (milk choc discs with biscuit, fudge, jelly and in 20% of them: ghost chilli extract)

Excuse me, what is Coca-Cola-Classique (C3) and why does it taste so nice?

Masks are encouraged, wipes and antibac gel available everywhere and protective eye guards supplied if you are concerned that you might cry during emotional scenes in the film, or in the foyer.

There’s been no staff decision about to pronounce foyer. Majority seemed to go with foy-yay, a vocal minority with foy-yerr and a silent minority didn’t really give the game away.

Remember the majority of these are guidelines and not enforceable, one I noticed being broken most often is the request to do 10 seconds of clapping for each member of staff who helps you. Most people were easily hitting 25-35 seconds.

3D films are now unavailable due to social distancing rules. Ranj added:
“And because they’re shit!”
I liked that about him, it didn’t feel like he was talking from the corporate handbook.

There’s markings on the floor for you to follow, depending on whether you think it’s still ok to watch Woody Allen films. I don’t know where one option led, all I can say is that the route I chose led me to a short lad in slightly off uniform who winked and told me I was alright.

As a way of reducing fomite transmission all the posters are further away than they used to be, and when you reach out to touch them they move further back.

Antz is playing on a loop, non-stop, all-day in at least two screens. I called a friend to tell them as I knew it would annoy them, they were always #TeamBugsLife

The Spray Zone is a new thing, I think. Signage indicates that it’s where you antibac your butt. Now the skin, rather, the butt area of your clothing is sprayed down. I heard a member of staff in that zone repeating “This is the new normal”.

The projectionist is allowed to play two of their own isolation short films, in place of the previously normal adverts or trailers that promoted hugging.

Seating now split into recliners & decliners. Recliners are what we are used to, you can ease the seat back so that you have to uncomfortably crane your neck forwards to see the screen. Decliners actively propel the user out of the seat in a battle royale for the film’s duration.

There’s a very subtle cinnamon aftertaste to Coca-Cola-Classique (C3) and it feels like it stays bubbly for longer, even at the end of the film it tasted fresh and the ice hadn’t melted.

The fire exit remained open the entire time, I thought initially for airflow but it became apparent during the pre-film sing-a-long that some patrons had paid to watch the film from the car park.

It also became apparent that some patrons had the ability to watch the film by live stream from their home. If they rack up enough cine-coins they are able to change the lighting state of the cinema, activate the decliner seats and use personalised emojis that appear on screen.

During my chosen film this happened frequently.
I would, if pushed by a judge, argue passionately that all of that had a negative effect on my experience.

There was a goat.

Bee Movie is playing on a loop, non-stop, all-day in at least two screens. Ranj said they hadn’t sold a single ticket to any of the screenings that day, whilst all Antz screenings had sold out. I questioned that but he said I gotta believe what he say. Fair point Ranj.

During the end credits of the film Simon Webbe stepped in front of the screen and, to the tune of "All Rise", sang every single one of the names. Audience really took it in their stride, especially when Simon timed the singing of the Location Scout Al Rice to perfection.

On way out I Yahoo’d “Coca-Cola-Classique ingredients” and couldn’t find a single search result anywhere on the Yahoo-powered internet. Cinema staff denied knowledge of it and when I went back to the drink machine it was being wheeled away by a man in overalls.

I asked why it was being wheeled away and he said:
“It’s 3am kid, what are you still doing here?”
I looked around and the whole cinema was empty, I had lost five hours and no memory of where they went.

I stumbled to the exit but the doors were locked, when I turned to ask the man in overalls how to get out he was gone. I was alone and my phone suddenly ran out of battery despite being at over 70% a minute before.
Also noticed that Pick n Mix is no longer available.

I thought back to that short interview I completed on entry, nearly 8 hours ago at this point. Two questions rankled at the time but suddenly felt significant:
“What lies have you denied?”
and
“What calls have you been making?”

As I explored the cinema for an exit I noticed the markings on the floor and realised I’d ended up at the other end of the Woody Allen debate. I turned round and the corridor stretched for 22 screens into the distance, in the gloom I could see something slowly approaching.

What was that? It was getting faster. I had nowhere to run, and nobody I could call.
Oh no.
Fuck.
It was the goat.
So I step back, ‘cause I don’t know this goat, I know deep down that it wants me to react.

But as I stepped back I bumped into a film poster and it pushed backwards, opening a door. I rushed in and slammed it shut behind me, squeezed some antibac onto my hands and then lay low, leaving all my options open.
CRASH
The goat butted into the door.

CRASH
The goat butts the door again.
CRASH
But my eye was drawn elsewhere: to the overalls hanging up. Stitched in the collar was the name Ranj.
CRASH
I rifled through the pockets and there was a business card, on it was just one letter, but used three times:
C C C
CRASH

Woah. It’s real. And at the back of that room was the machine. I prised open the back of it and there it was:
a box of syrup for Coca-Cola-Classique.
It was way too heavy to carry so I ripped off the ingredients part.
CRASH
The goat had breached the door...

I'm panicked, I looked around, desperate for anything and saw there was a fire exit, but I'd never make it before the goat.
Then I spot it. The "new normal".
I grab it, it's the butt antibac from The Spray Zone and as the goat charges me I discharge a fine mist.
The goat stops.

I dart out the fire exit and jump in my car. I drove home at the speed limit but my mind was racing way ahead, setting off every camera. What had I uncovered? How far did this C3 conspiracy go?

Step in my house, I find that my stuff has gone.
But, in reality, to whom does the stuff belong?
Well, me, and some of it is on finance so the bank, but mostly me.
Ranj is sat there, flanked by that short lad in slightly off uniform and Simon Webbe.
They all rise.

“Why did you lie about what you think about Woody Allen films?” they all said at the exact same time, they must have rehearsed that.
“I just, I don’t, I’m sorry, I’m pathetic, I just think Annie Hall is incredible” I spluttered back pathetically.

They looked at me, they’re all wearing protective eye guards and I’m 90% certain they’re crying as they all, in harmony, say:
“I rest my case”

I woke up an hour or so ago, still wearing my clothes from last night. Everything in my house was normal, nothing gone, no sign of anyone but me having been here. I thought I’d hallucinated it all until I reached in my pocket and found...
a business card & the C3 ingredient list

Overall I’d say Black Water: Abyss was a solid movie, exactly what you’d expect but I enjoyed it.

I'm not sure whether online campaigns work but I wonder if we all tweet @CocaCola with the hashtag #ReleaseCocaColaClassique that we might get a grassroots movement going?