I’ve taken so long to heal from this. I’ve waited years to even feel validated with this. I continue to feel the residual effects 3+ years later— nearly every day, due to my major— from this.
But now I’m stronger & smarter BECAUSE OF this. And I wanna air this shit out.

I’ve been playing trumpet in band since 6th grade. My middle school director showed me how unifying, uplifting, & rewarding doing band can be. I knew that I LOVED trumpet & LOVED music & LOVED that we all got to show our true character in band with our friends every day.

I have always loved music. I started piano when I was 5 & still continue to play and study piano in college. I still play trumpet as well. But there are WHO KNOWS how many students like me who didn’t pursue a career in music for reasons outside of their control.

In high school I continued with band and started marching band. I found my niche. I found my best friends, boyfriends (lol), and talents throughout high school band but also some of the most tiresome, repetitive obstacles I’ve faced in life. They were from my teacher.

As I grew and developed as a musician and student, I was placed in Symphonic Band & top Jazz I sophomore thru senior years & became a section leader junior & senior years. I share these not for praise but as context for my capabilities.

We should have been nurturing our love for music throughout these years. We should have been encouraged. We should have felt like our directors stood in our corners behind us, guiding us, but instead I felt like someone was rooted in the idea of blocking the path in front of me.

I felt personally victimized by our director for all four years of high school, especially the last two. I never felt encouraged. I never felt appreciated. I never felt guided. I felt scared, vulnerable, exposed, & embarrassed at the hands of this person. For four years.

My first two years of high school, I was probs a little shit. Idk. I talked a lot, giggled under my breath with friends, I think snuck out to go to the gas station for snacks once or twice. Maybe these were grounds for my treatment for the next two years?

But now that I’m older... I know those mistakes are normal growing pains... that is, at the very least, expected of a gaggle of teenage band geeks, & I only bring it up bc I’ve RAKED my brain over the years for ANY hint of justification for the way I was treated...

But there is no justification-- just this bottom line: we were high school teenagers. He was/is our teacher with YEARS of experience, pay, education, power... and he certainly used that to his advantage.

As junior & senior years progressed the bullying was worse. Maybe it’s just bc I can remember those years more clearly? I was more confident? Who knows. But I’m about 99% positive that ANYONE I was in band with for those 4 years would be more than familiar with the treatment.

There are so many anecdotes to tell within this narrative, but they were always along the lines of BLATANT verbal abuse, intimidation, and manipulation.

It would be next to impossible to recount the amount of times I was verbally broken down— in a private office, usually just the two of us— to the point of sobbing tears in front of this person. A few times I was pulled OUT OF OTHER CLASSES for this exact purpose.

In these scenarios, a 40(?) y/o man repeatedly bashed my character, my personality, & my musicianship in a one-on-one setting. Almost every time I was reduced to a broken mess in that stupid fucking rolling chair across from his desk. And it just kept happening.

I’ve been interrogated, shamed, called a brat, a bitch, told my talent would get me nowhere, told my actions could never lead me to success in a college setting... not to mention just the general nonsensical anger he used when he couldn't fabricate me doing something wrong

The irrationality of this man would be questionable in any profession, let alone a TEACHING POSITION! If he wanted to be irritated he would find a way-- even if it meant criticizing and blowing up the most minute details at the cost of his students’ safe learning environment.

In other cases, he would get his rocks off by publicly exploiting individuals in front of the entire class. Even the most well-behaved students weren't exempt from being exploited. Defense was futile. You’d just get yelled at more. It was a completely totalitarian environment.

I focused on our music, my friends, and the GOOD ASS TIMES we had, regardless. I knew that I could NEVER give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me enough to discontinue my passion for music and band. I could never let that be the example I set for others around me.

I gaslit myself in circles for years. My truths and memories were tainted because of the amount of turmoil this put me through.

These were just some of the thoughts from me to me over the years:

“Why didn’t I ask for help?” “Why didn’t I stand up for myself better?” “Why didn’t I report this?” “Why didn’t anyone else see how bad it is?” "I MUST have done something to deserve this."

Which led to stuff like..

“It must not have been that bad, then.” “Maybe I’m overreacting.” “I must be remembering things wrong. Otherwise, things would be different.” “If other people knew, but didn’t do anything, it must not have been that serious.”

I refused my support system’s admittances of anger on my behalf. I thought that there MUST be a reason somewhere for why I was being targeted for the types of treatment I mentioned above, that I was just glossing over it. That it was my fault.

One time in particular (when I was told "the reason people don't like me is because I act like a bitch"), he insisted on having a 3rd party present in one of his little meetings; my counselor was present. She did NOTHING. SHE SAT THERE AND WATCHED IT HAPPEN. She failed me.

But now I know that no student should be subjected to that kind of treatment from a teacher. I did not deserve the amount of abuse I endured. And I know I could go on & on with the anecdotes-- as most band students could-- but until then, here’s some shit I’ve learned, I guess.

•Students. Remember. Their. Teachers. How many stories, bad or good, can you remember about your past teachers? High school teens have too much other coming of age shit to worry about to inaccurately recount their teachers's actions. So LISTEN TO STUDENTS. BELIEVE STUDENTS.

•I was a source for this man to feed off of. He used my talents & personality as fuel for his narcissism. I thank God every day that I stayed strong enough to withstand it rather than someone who may not have been as well suited. I pray for the others who were/are in my shoes.

•If you don’t know, I study music education, & almost everything I learn in regards to my major can be traced back to this man— and none of it is parallel. Everything I’ve learned about what makes a a “good teacher” (content aside) does not apply to ANY of his characteristics.

•A teacher has a moral obligation to serve as a model for their students. So, I guess if what he wanted to model was narcissism & obscene toxicity, he succeeded; but personally, I want to model good morals for my students. I want to model all of the things he did not.

•PERSONAL STORIES CARRY WEIGHT! I never could have dreamed of being able to articulate my experiences as comfortably as I can now, but sharing them gives a special perspective for others that can't be learned any other way...

...if you've been strong enough in the past, or are becoming strong enough to share your personal stories from ANY type of trauma or abuse... I see you & I am so proud of you. It's not easy posting this but I know its potential outcomes are bigger than me.

...I always knew that when the day came that I was able to share my stories, I should. And I hope now that at least one person can find power, validation, resonance, visibility... just something through these insubstantial tweets.

•The effects of abuse are widespread. To name a couple of mine... this is at least the root of my musically-based imposter syndrome & the toxic ass relationship I have with trumpet. If you still feel effects of your past trauma, you're valid. http://shorturl.at/jN024 

•These experiences have equipped me with so many tools I’ll soon have to impact students’s lives with. It’s given me firsthand insight on what to look for in accounts of teacher/student abuse. It’s given me so much motivation to give my future students the 100% they deserve.

•I want to give younger me a *hug*. It was NOT MY FAULT for not knowing how to go about dealing with these experiences. What a complex situation for any teenager to be in?? We’re taught to look up to & respect our teachers— that they’re supposed to be who we can trust. (cont.)

(cont.) What happens when those teachers betray that trust? When they infiltrate the safe environment every student has the right to at school? When they let their students down? It's a teacher's responsibility to uphold that trust. Otherwise just get the f out of the profession.

•Again, sending a hug to past me. I was stuck in such a twisted ring of hating this man, to somehow wanting to please him, to feeling ashamed because of the cycle of abuse we were subjected to. I think that’s a big reason why I never asked for help. I was confused.

Anyway. I’m not quite sure what else to include here. There are so many more aspects of this narrative that weren’t included, so it goes without saying that everything stated should be taken with a grain of salt and never out of context.

As always, there are 2+ sides to any story. By no means am I claiming to have been a perfect student or musician or human... but I was a high schooler. I was a TEEN. He was an adult with a position of power & YEARS of teaching experience. And THAT'S the difference.

So I hope past Jay Band members are able to resonate with that statement as well. It’s not our fault. We weren’t horrible students. We didn't deserve that environment. We made it & hopefully maintained some good times. If you're reading this, I see you. I hope you see me, too.

Please DM me with any questions or comments. Again, I share this because I am finally able to OWN MY STORY in hopes that it will validate or resonate with someone else... I share because I want to hold myself & other teachers accountable for how they can impact their students.

I also fully acknowledge that we all experience trauma and abuse differently— this is my narrative; please understand that this was truly discerning to put out but tweets I've seen about JC teachers lately pushed me to share. NOW, ARE YOU SEEING US? @JCSchools_ @JCHS_Principal

Thank you to every single teacher I’ve had who has encouraged me to be the best version of myself and who has provided their students with a safe environment to grow. Thank you to my mom who has always empowered me. You are who I model my future after. THANK A TEACHER TODAY

Again, thanks for the space. I want Brett Myers fired. And I'm finally ready to take the steps I need to to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. This is my narrative, my experience, and my fight for anyone else whose ever felt this way. Thank you.