thinking about how, now that using he/they pronouns and having a masc sounding name has helped with my social dysphoria a lil (at least online), i find that im still not super opposed to referring to myself as a woman or feminine, esp when it comes to discussing

things in my past that have inevitably shaped who i currently am, and to describe my current struggles as someone who is very much closeted and expected to perform some degree of femininity due to misogynistic patriarchal standards

like... obviously i do not want ppl i don't know well to gender me in that way? but it's like...if we're friends, if we've talked abt certain topics together before, i don't mind this sort of thing to be mixed and matched interchangeably

since gender socialization is a fucking myth anyway, there's parts of my life that fit more of the narrow western/white conventions of boyhood, and parts that fit that of girlhood too, it's been really useless and distressing for me to decode that

as a person who IDs as genderfluid and has been nonbinary for as long as he's known of that term and how personal that can be to each individual that uses the label, and who, by white standards, isn't even capable of being

neatly lumped into either Feminine or Masculine regardless of their own preferences (which have been kinda grab-baggy anyway, ive been learning to pick and choose what i like that makes me comfortable).

i have no idea where i was going with this thread, might clarify some points later cuz i actually have been thinking quite a bit about this lately and it has been less uncomfy to do so compared to when i was trying so hard to be feminine in every way i thought i had to be