Back when I was a straight cis woman I had (and still carry) a lot of complex feelings about buffness in women, particularly myself. Before I was a professional nerd, I was a professional jock and ran the rock climbing gym at my college and once I dropped out of college,

I spent two years as a youth rock climbing coach. Ignoring all the outright misogyny that surrounds women working in athletics (like best friends calling me a bitch because I was good at my job and their superior (I only got an apology after he took over once I left))

there's also that piece of psychology that sinks in, that piece that wants people to like you. The number of women and young girls I have watched give up or sacrifice their absolute love for a sport over fear of becoming too muscled and "masculine-looking" is too numerous.

There have been plenty of times when that was me. I put on muscle with the most minimal of effort. My body naturally is athletic. It made me a really good climber and I got good really fast. And I got ripped shoulders really fast. And I remember seeing a picture that I loved

of myself, that I loved because my arms looked good, but the way I dressed, the way my hair was from camping for days and being tossed into a bun was all so masculine and I remember thinking I couldn't post it because I looked to manly. No one would like me. Which is bullshit.

When my friend and I were coming up together in climbing, working the same problems, I remember her getting to a point where she was so close, and it was a matter of needing to be stronger, and for her it came down to whether her passion for climbing and for the challenge

was stronger than the intense societal pressure to avoid appearing too muscular. It took months of grappling with that for her choice to be her passion. If she had chosen otherwise, I would have been sad but understood. It just gets so hard sometimes.

There's a fantastic female rock climber that's my height and absolutely jacked. Occasionally, on instagram my explore feed ends up with pictures fuckboys have posted of her arms wondering how long she could jack them off for. Women's bodies will always be a sexual object,

no matter how women choose to craft them. It's terrifying to know as a coach in some ways. There's a girl who I met when she was 15. She's been building her body for climbing since she got the passion at 10. She's super muscular and I really hope her passion keeps as an adult.

There's been a lot of struggle for her already. And I just know this will hit her. Luckily, one of climbings greatest metaphorical teachings is persistence. It's changed my mindset a lot taking a physical challenge and applying it to mentality... anyway here's a bad segue.

Something that's especially frustrating to me is that this conversation is coming down to attractiveness. The complaint started as buff ladies not being attractive or realistic and the response is that buff ladies are attractive and realistic.

It's so tiring to have society tie your worth up in your appearance. To have your functionality and passions limited by societal pressure to be "attractive". I mean, I get it, muscles are hot to me too, but it's weird to respond with women being objectified by objectifying women

And thus concludes is my tired string of related/ unrelated rant thoughts on one of the many things that has been frustrating me on social media this week.