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So anyone who follows me for more than a minute knows I'm dad-shaped, dad-identified, and also a dad. I talk about my kids all the time, promote the one on twitter, brag about all three of them, share stories.
(This thread brought to you by watching Hamilton & Feelings) 1/
(This thread brought to you by watching Hamilton & Feelings) 1/
My relationship with my kids is criticized or assumed to not be real a lot. And I mean constantly. I'm not genetically or legally related to any of them, see.
I love our relationships. They chose me, and I try to be what they need, to the best of my ability. 2/
I love our relationships. They chose me, and I try to be what they need, to the best of my ability. 2/
But I am always aware that to most people, we're not "really" family. I'm not their "real" parent, no matter how much I love them. I push back on that a lot: most kids don't get to choose any of their parents, these ones did and they chose me, how is that less meaningful? 3/
I know it's not the same as other kinds of parenting. My body didn't create them. I wasn't necessarily around when they were little. I don't hold legal or financial responsibility for them. I could walk away without legal repercussions. I am not generally the one at home. 4/
Of course, that's all true of plenty of "real" dads too.
But the real reason for this thread is this one thing people say when they're being patronizing about my parenting experience. It comes up kind of a lot.... 5/
But the real reason for this thread is this one thing people say when they're being patronizing about my parenting experience. It comes up kind of a lot.... 5/
"You can't understand how it feels until you have your own kids."
sometimes it's
"You don't understand because you're not really a parent."
there are several variations, all painful to hear
6/
sometimes it's
"You don't understand because you're not really a parent."
there are several variations, all painful to hear
6/
So. Hamilton. You know the bit. It's not just Phillip's death that gets me; it's the entirety of Quiet Uptown. The intensity of that grief. The thought of holding any one of my kids when they die, of trying to come to terms with that after.
It just rips me apart.
7/
It just rips me apart.
7/
I love a lot of people, and loving people is always, always opening yourself up to grief and loss. That's how it works. But the way I love my kids is fierce and unyielding.
I want to stand between them and danger more than I want to breathe.
8/
I want to stand between them and danger more than I want to breathe.
8/
The reality of my emotional response to that song stands in sharp juxtaposition with the way people think and talk about my parenthood. So I'm sobbing, but at the same time I know the depth of my feelings isn't seen as legitimate.
Because people tell me so, frequently.
9/
Because people tell me so, frequently.
9/
There's a line at the start of Quiet Uptown:
"You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable."
That's it, right now. I just want to hold them as tight as I can, and tell myself that I can keep them safe. I want that more than anything. 10/
"You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable."
That's it, right now. I just want to hold them as tight as I can, and tell myself that I can keep them safe. I want that more than anything. 10/
I told Sawyer recently I'd burn the world for him. Eliza knows she can tell me the things she can't say to anyone else. Ruby knows that she brings me the most joy in the world.
If I'm not a real parent -
I'd like to stop crying now.
11/11
If I'm not a real parent -
I'd like to stop crying now.
11/11
