Some thoughts on desiring cookies, affirmations, and validation on our antiracist efforts. A thread.

Attending @KimCrayton1's “Introduction to Being an Antiracist” event last week has really helped me connect some dots as I’ve been working through this. Kim encouraged us to work to identify patterns. Once patterns are identified and understood, they lose their power.

Needing cookies/affirmations to do antiracist work is awfully similar to the “you just lost an ally” pattern - the idea that I will only do this work so long as it benefits me, so long as it is comfortable for me, so long as *you* make *me* feel good.

One could describe it as: “I'd rather feel better about myself & only do things I’m good at than learn & get better at antiracist work. My feelings are more important than fixing the status quo; more important than your safety, than your inclusion, than your whole existence.”

Yikes. This makes you wonder: who is actually doing the antiracist work here, then? Whose feelings and comfort are centered and prioritized? A great time to consider why Kim tells us: “I don’t give a fuck about your feelings”.

There’s a not-so-uncommon thing that happens when a beloved [yet actually mediocre] white person in tech is called out for racist behavior, *especially* when they express feelings of “hurt” or "pain" for being “attacked” (this is especially true for white women)

Their DMs and Twitter mentions are flooded with words of support and others immediately come to their defense (mostly other white people). They are defended quickly without much critical thought and continue to be offered awards and jobs and speaking opportunities.

As @KimCrayton1 tells us, white people are seen as the hero or the victim but never the villain.

When our antiracist efforts are dependent on cookies and affirmations, we insist on being the hero. In fact, we believe we are entitled to it.

So, we're human. We're going to have feelings. And having those feelings isn’t inherently wrong, but it is our job to work through those feelings and to do so privately — careful even discussing these with pals who aren’t going to challenge your racist behaviors.

Even centering our feelings with friends can cause some serious harm too (their instinct to defend us will almost certainly get in the way).

For white people in tech, you likely have enough privilege/access to get therapy. This is a great place to work through these feelings. Do that there.

Feedback is critical in antiracist journeys, since white folks can never be experts. But it may look different than what we're used to and may come in the form of only hearing when we've fucked up. But that's feedback. Use it. Keep going. And as @KR1573N says "rebound quickly"

Some additional context as to why I have been so focused on this pattern in particular (spoiler, this pattern describes much of my antiracist journey):

My tech conference talks often start with a disclaimer that I’m an ENFJ and that I crave (no, need) feedback. I get easily discouraged without it. This is a thing I’m pretty aware of and I seek out feedback intentionally (in relationships, work environments, etc).

On top of that, I’m also fairly needy when it comes to affirmations - so much so that my partner has gifted me multiple affirmation card decks. This is a consistent theme for me in therapy.

It is unsurprising that my antiracist journey includes struggling with this. I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately as my antiracist efforts are top of mind again (this implies that my efforts are inconsistent; and that is indeed intentional and accurate).

I thought I started an antiracist journey a couple of years ago and I did put in some work (this was after getting called out for being a problematic leader in a women in tech space -- the #gdistrike).

My antiracist journey fizzled with time and my efforts were occasional & convenient at best. Without cookies, affirmations, & validation my efforts would decrease or stop all together. It wasn't boredom, though, it was discouragement (I tend to avoid things I'm not good at)

This thread is to call myself out for falling into the pattern I've described above, to hold myself accountable, and maybe to help others identify this pattern in themselves as well.

Curious about @KimCrayton1, her #CauseAScene work, and her antiracist events?

#CauseAScene podcast: https://hashtagcauseascene.com/podcast/ 

Being an Antiracist: https://vito.community/hubs/introduction-to-being-an-antiracist

Being an Antiracist at Home: https://ti.to/kim.crayton.llc/being-an-antiracist-at-home

Being an Antiracist at Work: https://ti.to/kim.crayton.llc/being-an-antiracist-at-work

Become a @causeascenePod sponsor (look for the big "Sponsor Now" button): https://hashtagcauseascene.com/